Lady_crow,

This is a review for The Dragon's Keep contest.

Synopsis
Competitors must face a dangerous spider to retrieve its silk. The winner will be the new Dragon Keeper. If no one can do this, the dragon will break its truce with the kingdom and peace will be lost.

First Impressions:
There were many unique ideas in this story - especially the ending and what it means to be a dragon keeper.

Suggestions:

I try to give as many suggestions as possible so the writer can pick and choose anything they feel would help their story. Some of it might be from a technical point of view, like I was an editor, or they are things I simply felt as a reader, but please take it all with a grain of salt.

In General:
Show vs Tell - This would be the biggest thing to address. There were lots of good ideas but the story was weakened by far too much 'tell'. Granted we need to use this tool in our stories but I found it out of balance.
Numbers - there were a lot of numbers in the story that didn't seem relevant to the plot.
Introducing/building characters that will never be used - there were many characters - too many for a short story. An example would be Theresa. She was built up, had dialogue, and given the first steps to character development. I thought she was going to be a main character, but she was killed off right at the start. Another example was the Cardinal. He could have been taken out entirely and that would leave more room to explore other parts of the story.
Weak words - almost, nearly, it seemed etc. - these could be omitted entirely.

Specifics:
The five holds of Ashearia shall present, on the First day of May, one champion (The date could be put at the start - better flow in my opinion)
Your Champion shall demonstrate the highest level of courage, honor and (,)fidelity. (comma)
There were also monetary rewards for both the family and the hold from which he came. (This part read somewhat awkwardly. Perhaps something like 'The victor and his hold would be granted a steady river of gold' not the best example, but you get the idea)
was surrounded by a stone wall, over six meters high and two meters thick, with narrow windows at irregular intervals. (When specific measurements are put in, I start to wonder if they are important. If it's just a description of the wall, I would suggest simplifying to something like 'a massive wall')
All around, the atmosphere was one of celebration. (You can omit this. The entire paragraph before has already told us the atmosphere)
When they turned and faced the throng, (crowd. Throng feels like a thesaurus substitute)
It seemed everyone in town tried to shake hands (weak word}
He was 195 centimeters tall, about the same height as Willihard, but broader; and nearly 30 centimeters taller than Vladimere. (Another example of unnecessary numbers)
Weeks passed. (This was an enormous jump in time - I would suggest putting a page break)
The ending dialogue was confusing. I didn't know who was speaking. If it's more than one person, it needs dialogue tags. If it's just the keeper, put the entire dialogue in one paragraph or don't put the end quote (") after every paragraph.

Example:

"Talking, talking, talking.
"Talking, talking, talking." (One speaker)

"Talking, talking, talking."
"Talking, talking, talking." (Two speakers)

Reference  

Favorite Lines:
'Only the most dedicated, or ambitious, families still trained and educated their children for the contests.' (I liked the addition of 'ambitious')
I really liked the names of the competitors.
I liked the purpose for collection the spider silk
The concept of the dragon being lord over the dragon keeper is an interesting twist.

All in all:
An interesting approach to the contest prompt. I think this story would be stronger if, after the contest, you added more to the development of your characters. There's lots to work with here and a great story in the making.

Thanks for sharing your work. Keep writing and good luck!

Robyn



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .