This story had lots of detail. You described every inch of action, no matter how small. However, some of the events were moot. Also, work on fluidity. Sometimes I got confused as to what was happening or who was speaking. I can tell that you did not have any difficulty in wiring this complex story. It’s easy to see that everything flowed out for you. However there are instances where you must slow down and focus on a single element, thought or action. I know myself that it is easy to crank out a story and not have all the parts come out right or be cohesive. All in all, this was a fine read!