Wow! What a powerful piece! It's exactly why I love non-fiction writing/reading. It's so real.

It reminds me of when I was in my 20s. I'm assuming Elsa, the main character, also is this age? I also got the impression she's a single mom whose kids' father left a long time ago? The only difference is I never had children, but the optimism I had at that age mirrors what Elsa depicts in this story.

What I Liked/Loved

--The opening paragraph is awesome! You took a classic alarm clock contention and used unique language enough for me to laugh at this highly-identifiable incident. Who cannot relate to this? Very few people, I would imagine!

--I love the contrast between the two children: Jules remembers everything but twists the story to suit her need for feeling of family normalcy, but Sean has zero frames of reference. You did a fine job of describing the two.

--Thank you for sharing your frustration about hour cuts and employer cutbacks. It makes me feel not so alone in that regards. Also, I grew up poor and struggle with wishing I made more money now. Therefore, I understand.

--I love the very last line, too. You say, "College would make everything fair." It's what most post-high school students probably say! I remember thinking that at that age.

--You describe the single parent scenario quite well, and by the way I've rode the bus a lot, too! Sometimes, I still do.

--You made effective use of fragments -- wasn't awkward at all. Your non-sentence expressions work quite well.

What Could Use Some Work (Not too Many Things, Though)

To be fair, I read this too fast the first time I read it. Therefore, I had to read it a second time to get more meaning out of it. That's not necessarily a bad thing because we often have to read material more than once if it's intelligent enough. However, in this modern, low-attention-span world, I ideally think it'd be nice to be able to read it fast and understand it the first time.

At first, I thought perhaps I knew who the "Witch" and "The King" and "The Princess" were, but I didn't really know for sure until the second time I read it. Therefore, I hope you find a way to fine-tune this. One way to do this is to allude to these analogies two to three more times throughout the piece, but do it very quickly if you do so you don't overdo it. (That's all the advice I got for this, though! Not sure how else to further help you. )

I also do hope you come up with a more enticing title unless you think you can reach enough people who know what "American Serfdum" is. I don't, but that's me.

Some Comma Suggestions Based on my AP-Style and Business Writing

(And if you see any of my writing, I know. I should talk.)

1.

“They were low on milk, she'd have to pick some up on the way home from work; at least there was enough for the kids' cereal.”

Suggestion: Replace the comma after “milk” with a period.

2.

“Julie and Sean's room was the usual mess of clothes and toys strewn about. Elsa made her way through the obstacle course to Julie's bed, better to start with the hibernator that would sleep till noon if left to her own devices.”

Suggestion: Use a dash (--) instead of a comma after “bed” because I interpret this as an interrupted thought.

3.

“In a few short years Jules wouldn't want to stand out, she'd be desperate to wear ever more expensive clothes that would allow her to blend in.”

Suggestion: Put a period instead of a comma after “out.” Then, start the following sentence with “Instead, she’ll be desperate…”

4.

Overall Impression – Great Job!

It’s easier for me to review pieces like this one that keep my interest all the way to the end.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .