Hi, love! Another well-written poem you have here. Of course, that isn't terribly shocking. I'm the poetry judge for "Invalid Item" , so I thought that I would officially review it rather than just give you my typical comments.

Some things I Like:

Generally, I am not a fan of Terzanelle, Villanelle, or any other form that is heavy on refrains. Unless written by someone especially skilled, the refrains just make for horrible reading. My preference is overwhelmingly this: No repeated words or lines unless it is both purposeful and beautifully worded.

That said, I was very pleasantly surprised with your piece here because the repetition did serve a purpose. The lines were perfectly fitting each time they were used in a different context. And, honestly, the most important aspect to me: they were nice lines with strong word choice. I despise the repetition of weak, boring, or conversational lines... you didn't do that.

"My song resounds through drowsy bones" is incredibly strong. The first stanza served as a nice hook, and you began to win me over at this point because of the strength and versatility of the first repeated line.

Some of your other refrains may seem pretty simple on the surface (like, "as life outside begins to stir"), but every bit of meaning is drawn from them with each use.

Sorry to focus so much on the refrains, but like I said, I was impressed. You used the poetic form to your advantage, which is difficult to do (and rare on WDC).

My favorite line in the piece is not a refrain, but that makes it all the more special I think. "My song aroused like seismic waves." It's beautiful.

The flow is good, the rhymes are so effortless that their presence disappeared for me while reading (a compliment coming from me), and you have amazingly strong word choice throughout.

Observations & Suggestions:

If I'm not mistaken, terzanelles have 19 uniform lines, right? Whichever way you do it... uniform meter or uniform syllable count. I suppose I could be wrong about this, as I haven't read about the form recently, but I thought I would mention it.

I like the iambic tetrameter. It is my favorite to write in myself, if I write metric poetry, anyway. A few departures didn't bother me at all. "And after months of cold and famine" is a perfectly find substitution. It works beautifully.

"I'm hungry for a barrel of salmon", on the other hand, made me stumble badly.

I think this piece needs proper punctuation as well. These are complete sentences... so why not punctuate them correctly? There are a few times where the punctuation seemed really weird to me... it changed the meaning in a strange way.

"As rivers, brooks, and creeks now thrive,
and after months of cold and famine,

I yearn to catch those fish alive!"

The period you used after famine 1. turned this into a fragment that made no point at all and 2. lost an opportunity for a lovely enjambment.

Overall, I think this is a lovely poem. I'm not terribly surprised to see another good poem from you. This was a great choice to enter into the contest, and I hope you enter again! Talk to you soon, I'm sure!





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .