Hello! I am the poetry judge for the "Invalid Item"  and thought that you might like some feedback for your entry.

Some things I Like:

You have some really awesome ideas in this piece. Some of the contradictions are quite interesting, and all make sense within the context of memories and nostalgia.

The flow is okay most of the time. The rhymes are alright most of the time as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

I think that this piece shows lots of promise. The ideas are good, but the execution could be better. The most notable issue for me is the extreme overuse of "Of". It creates a droning, boring sort of quality for me after a while... like reading a grocery list. I would try to remove as many of them as possible. When listing things, "Of happy cries... of sunny skies... of friends... etc", you don't really need to say "Of" each time. Use them sparingly and the effect will be better.

There are times when your wording detracts from the power of a line as well. "Of good friends and even greater strangers", for instance. Awesome line! However, the "even" drains the power from the line. "Of good friends and greater strangers"... that is excellent. The "even" throws off the flow, adds a bit of conversational fluff, and distracted me from the real meaning of the line. This is just one example, but it might be a good idea to revise with a critical eye, questioning the effectiveness of each word and phrase you use.

There are some sort of generic lines in here that don't hold up to the cleverness of the concept. "Of the blossoms of spring" -- nothing unique or interesting there. Also, too many "Of"s, again. Concise is sometimes best. "Of spring blossoms" sounds infinitely better, but it is still a bit boring.

Another: "Of laughter" pales in comparison to other lines, like "Of happy cries and squeals". One is dull while the other is emotive. If you revise, I would also try to keep in mind what a line will make readers feel. If it wont make them feel anything, it isn't very strong.

There are conversational moments throughout, which isn't necessarily bad. It does seem at odds with the poetic tone you're trying to achieve. "and it may flood"... That sounds like something someone would say while talking on the telephone. "Of finding someone to look after" is another example. I like what it means, but "someone to look after" sounds conversational.

The flow is okay sometimes and really off at other times. An example:

"To dry fresh air and the summer we shared.

Of the excitement for the first drops of snowflakes,"

The rhythm shouldn't die between stanzas, but it falters here.

On a side note, I would also consider writing this piece in complete sentences. It would give the lines less of a list feel. Not a sentence for each line (Yuck), but each list could be part of a sentence. A change like this would also create some action! There are areas in which the list is pure imagery for an extended period with no action at all. "The beauty of a bird singing, and the soft smell of flower tops, of the soft sand and salty sea..." no action in there. Using "soft" twice there could be avoided too, by the way. Soft is a texture... smell is not. I'd change that one to something else. Delicate or something perhaps?

Overall, I think that this poem could be amazing! I really do think that it shows lots of promise. I don't mean to discourage you at all. The poem just needs revision. I would recommend saving a copy and then slashing through this piece-- removing anything that doesn't work and trying to make it a concise and emotive poem. Memories and nostalgia are emotional, and your poem should reflect that. Then, save another copy and do it again. Poetry is meant to be revised, really. Have fun with it! I welcome you to enter the contest again as well!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .