One last entry for "Invalid Item" , huh? Time flies! As the poetry judge for the contest, I thought that you might like some feedback.

Some things I Like:

The general concept is awesome.

I like the tongue-in-cheek vibe you have here. The final lines are particularly amusing. Those two lines are my favorites in the entire piece, by far. They also happen to be the only lines that are really concise and worded for greatest effect.

Observations & Suggestions:

As mentioned, the bulk of this piece is not incredibly well-worded. Really, most lines are bogged down by your phrasing. "And that you really did love me so much", for instance... There is not a single interesting word in here. Only one word has greater than a single syllable. The same could be said for pretty much the entire second and third stanzas. Even if you're saying something with a fun, amusing idea or meaning, it isn't very engaging to read.

I don't really find the first stanza effective. "Your poetic cliche" and the statement "As your heart is breaking in two / Mine is finally free" are actually at odds. I assume that this was purposeful, but it doesn't really work because the line is from your perspective (the narrator's perspective). "Your heart breaks / Mine is free"? That is a huge cliche written by the narrator, and the tone is not mocking enough to really make this read as anything other than a joke on the narrator.

I might consider quoting the "heart is breaking in two" or italicizing it. Make it clear to the reader that the bad writing is the other person's writing. The same goes for the other instances... the "really did love me so much" cliche is actually in THIS poem not that cliche poem you mention in the first line. Offsetting it would help. As it is right now, this is a clever idea that didn't work very well. I "get it" and like the idea... I just don't think it's super well-executed.

The passive voice in this piece really stood out to me. "is breaking", "got thrown". The latter bothered me more because it begins a line and could not be assumed by anyone to be one of the other person's cliches.

The flow is alright sometimes, but it is about half a beat off fairly often-- just enough to be awkward at times. I'd let the piece sit for a few months and then read it aloud with fresh eyes. If you don't know what's coming next and find yourself stumbling, the flow is off.

Proper punctuation would have improved readability. The few commas you used are those that really need them to even make sense, but that isn't enough. The "No, I don't miss you, I really don't care" line was particularly jarring... numerous sentences tossed together with commas tends to make me cringe. This piece is in complete sentences and should be punctuated as such. It would only take 5 minutes or less and improve the enjoyment of reading the piece.

Overall, I really love the idea. Twisting someone else's cliche ideas about love and mocking them? That's pretty awesome. Unfortunately, I don't think the poem does the concept justice. It is such an entertaining idea, and you have moments that really amused me. The poem as a whole though was a bit... unenjoyable to read. The punctuation, the sort-works-but-not-really issue, the conversational phrasing with dull word choice... it all combined into a lackluster experience for me. I think that this poem could (and even should) be a 5 star piece. I've seen better from you and know that you can do it. This poem just isn't there yet. If you decide to revise, I'd be happy to give it another read. Thank you for being a regular in this contest also. I had a great time reading through many of your poems.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .