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 Review #4017550 |
 | The Last Serenade  [E] A couple builds their home in the desert. What price will they pay for progress?  |
| (4.0)   Hello, Happy Spring This is a Simply Positive Review.  I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" .  You paint some lovely pictures in the reader's mind. I've traveled through the Mojave dessert many times, when I lived in California. So, I understand what you mean about vast emptiness, with pockets of developed areas, off the beaten path.One example of a vastly developed, dessert city, of course, is Las Vegas.  When your story described the couples perfect haven, yet it was on only an acre and a half, I knew that wasn't going to end well. The couple would have had to buy up their back yard view all the way to the mountains, to prevent developers from infringing upon their view.  Yet, I understand the sadness of nature's backdrop being assaulted by construction vehicles, causing the natural vegetation to be ripped out and replaced by cookie-cutter houses all in a row. Sadly, that is the way of progress in the modern world. At least dessert properties much further away from any city with the modern conveniences may still exist for hermit-type existence. Those people would probably be quite wealthy and have a helicopter parked in their back yard for trips to the city.   Thus, you story does make the reader think. Good job on that. Observations "Dorothy was used to rural living and never felt comfortable when neighboring houses were too close. Five feet, three inches tall with graying hair, she liked to do her own thing." The order of this paragraph seems a bit off. I think the underlined parts should be together in one sentence, then go on with the doing her own thing part. EXAMPLE: Dorothy, was a five-foot, three inch, gray-haired woman. who liked doing her own thing. She loved the rural life and never felt comfortable living close to neighboring houses. "Their children were now grown and their life style had changed. Their adobe-style house sat on one and half acres so there was plenty to do. Their new life style was casual and Dorothy kept their home the same way." Repetitive use of "lifestyle." Try rearranging the sentence to avoid that. "She admired his enthusiastic way with which he became involved with his building projects." Awkwardly stated. TRY: She admired his enthusiasm when he was involved in a building project. [More active voice.] "It was the fifteenth of August and it was still early before the heat of the day."  You have several spacing issues within the story. Either indent the new paragraphs or skip a couple spaces, but not both. The layout tends to look a little choppy with too much spacing and indenting.  I enjoyed the world you painted, through the eyes of this couple. Except for all the coyotes. They're just plain mean and ornery creatures when they kill. So hopefully this couple didn't have a small pet wandering around the back yard.  It hits a chord with all of us who wish we could have a little haven away from the usual hustle and bustle of city life. Yet, it takes a dedicated couple to build on a desolated dessert spot in hopes that they will remain in near isolation for the rest of their days. The truth is, if it has a view, a developer will get to it unless it's protected grounds.  Thanks for sharing a story that made me visualize that life and pose the questions that accompany that lifestyle. My problem with dessert living is that it's too far from the sea, for me. Well done! Until next time--write on! Regards, WebWitch  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You last responded to this review 07/19/2014 @ 1:16am EDT