I figured that I might as well give you a quickie review, as I would really like to get some reviews done today anyway! I know that this isn't finished, so I'll just give it some in-the-middle rating... I'll come back and change it when I read the completed story. And you WILL complete it. Don't leave me hanging!

Some things I Like:

First of all, you set the tone beautifully in this piece. It has a quaint but hard feel to it... sort of like Fried Green Tomatoes or something. Like, the details will be lovely but the story will be darker or tragic somehow.

The prison detail is a good example of what I'm talking about. City girls with city dreams (awesome line). Going on a field trip... to prison. And then a rather dark and sad sort of joke. It has a quaint and light tone that turns toward the dark here and there. I love that. Super difficult to pull off, and I would bet that you did it naturally without purposely trying to do it. All the better.

I adore the "run past herself one day" idea. That is amazing.

The narrative seems authentic and genuine.

Observations & Suggestions:

This is an incomplete first draft, so my suggestions are all pretty much about the story progression here.

You hooked me. I felt like I was about to watch an amazing "coming of age" movie. There are lots of things that you could do as a next step here.

One option would be to slip in an anecdote next in which Billie and the narrator are hanging out, and then Donnie showed up. What did Billie do? How did she act? Was she a bit "advanced for her age" as far as her interaction with the boy? How did it make the narrator feel?

This type of continuation could give us more insight into the narrator's personality, let us get to know Billie, and also help prepare readers for whatever happens to Billie in the end.

What do you think of that direction? I might add the final thought here that if you did add a scene like this, it would give you an opportunity to have a bit of setting. Where do these girls hang out? Are they at a park? In a parking lot? At the mall? It will tell us more about them and also give the reader some imagery.

Just one idea! If this doesn't get your wheels spinning, let me know. There are a bunch of things you could do. I just think this one flows naturally from what you already have.

Overall, I'm impressed with what you have so far. You write short stories with the same type of intriguing, unique style that you write your blogs. I love the tone you created here.




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .