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 Review #4018043 |
| (4.0)| Hello, Marci Missing Everyone  . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to be reviewing your piece, "Invalid Item" , which is a parody of the Christmas song, "Santa Baby". Please keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your work better than anyone else. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this completely.   First ImpressionsTo start off, I've always enjoyed parodies quite a bit. I even like Weird Al Yankovic and all the silly parodies he does of popular songs. I usually have to go listen to the song he's making fun of first because I've either never heard of it or I've only heard it once while walking through a mall or something. "Santa Baby" is a song that I think we've all heard though. It's not one of my favorite Christmas songs, just because I feel like it's a little weird. It's like is sexualizes Christmas and Santa Claus. Who could sexualize Santa Claus?  At first glance though, you've got a funny twist on the song in your parody. It took me a few lines to get the flow of it, but once I did, I went back and reread it from the beginning. I had to get the flow of it down so I could almost sing along using your lyrics. The next thing I did was read the original lyrics of "Santa Baby" and compared them with yours. Subject MatterThis is a completely new twist on the classic Christmas song. In this parody, Santa is a crazy stalker about to break in your house through your chimney. Yeah, he thinks he can pull that old line again.  You talk about how you've seen him looking in your windows. You even saw him peeping on the neighbor. It sounds like Santa is taking his duties a little too seriously. I mean, I know he's supposed to always be watching, but I don't think he's supposed to be doing it outside in the dark with binoculars! Style and ToneThis piece has a fun tone to it. Even though it's about Santa being a little stalker, it doesn't feel like it takes itself too seriously. I was laughing pretty hard at some of the lines. The title, "Sneaky Santa" lets us know that we're just reading a joke version of the song. The mood is light and humorous throughout. I love the bit of attitude at the end when you talk about how your husband is a black belt and he's mad. It sounds like you guys are about to turn the tables on old Santa Claus, so he better watch out if he's coming down your chimney! I'm just picturing this overweight old man with a beard being super creepy all year. It's a fun song though and I think you do a good job of getting your version stuck in our head, too.  What WorkedI think one of the best things about this song is that you kept with the theme throughout. I think when you're making a parody, it's easy to get off track because it is something that you can be so ridiculous in writing. I liked that you kept it with the stalker theme throughout. There are a lot of ways you could have taken it too far as well, but you kept everything realistic for the most part. I especially loved this verse: Don’t come near my Christmas tree There is a shocking fence that you can't see. I really can’t believe it’s true That I found you peeping next door too You bad Santa You I couldn't stop laughing at that one. "There is a shocking fence that you can't see." That was a good one. Your version reminds me of this Venn Diagram . I think it's safe to say he's either a stalker or a private detective. Could Use WorkMy biggest issue with this piece is the rhymes. When you compare it to the original lyrics, there are a few things that are a bit off. When you're doing a parody, it's important to have the same rhythm and flow as the original, because people are going to try to sing along with it. It will be obvious if something doesn't flow as smoothly as the orginal. The biggest example of this I can see in your parody is that the first lines of each verse don't rhyme the way they do in the original: "Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me." "Santa baby, a 54 convertible too, light blue." Compare that to the opening lines of your verses: "Sneaky Santa, quit looking in the windows at night, at me." "Sneaky Santa, don't park the sleigh upon my roof, no no." It continues this way throughout the song. I think there are ways you could work this out to give the lyrics a better flow overall. In the second to last verse, which is my favorite, I felt like the last line, "You bad Santa you" could have been dropped. In the original song, this verse only has four lines and you have five here. Plus, I feel like the verse has more effect with just the first four lines.  Final ThoughtsOverall, I thought this was a funny piece. I couldn't help but singing along to it and I think I could get this version stuck in my head, but I hope it doesn't happen! It's fun to see a completely different tone with this a Christmas song like this, although I wouldn't say it was the most innocent song to begin with. There is room for improvement with the rhyme and flow in certain areas of the song. I think it would be pretty easy to work those out. You can keep the lines the same except for the very end of the them so they can flower more smoothly. Thanks again for sharing with us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 07/20/2014 @ 9:19am EDT