Long time no talk, old man! Or well, I guess it hasn't been that long really. I'm judging this round of "Invalid Item"  and thought you'd like some feedback.

Some things I Like:

I really like the refrain. It is a simple line really, but it has a lonely quality to it that is quite lovely. It isn't super versatile, but it didn't have to be in this case. You didn't really need to use it in a number of contexts.

Love the last two lines-- beautiful sentiment and expressed very well!

You have some really nice word choice throughout. The flow is great. Your rhymes disappear for me in this poem, which I love. I particularly like the slant rhyme in the first stanza. In general, I love slant rhymes. They are much softer and less distracting to my ears.

Observations & Suggestions:

"What to do is a real problem" has a hard sound to it. It almost sounds angry to me. The those hard consonants give it that effect for me. WhaT To pRoblem... it sounds rough and tough. Maybe it's just me though, as you do have more soft sounds than hard in that line. At any rate, I think the next two lines definitely outshine these, though I like what the question says.

"and tears made pools in my eyes" the verb here could be stronger. If you could use "pooled" it would be more interesting, but there are other ways. Tears sting, gather, shimmer... they do lots of things other than "make". For a line in the first stanza, I thought it could be stronger. I know that you're working with a syllable count, but I'd revise a little.

I like the narrative you have going on here. I have no idea why this might be, but on my first read through, the third stanza seemed a little disjointed. Like, it didn't gel with the narrative. Like I said, no idea why. It makes perfect sense now-- it made perfect sense on the second read too. I thought I'd mention it... no suggestion for change.

Overall, I like the piece. It has nice sentiment, flows well, has melt-to-the-background rhymes, an intriguing intro, and a lovely final thought. It's just a nice poem!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .