Hello Susie Mesler-Evans,

: I am DyrHearte writes and I am reviewing your script because you asked me to some time ago, I'm afraid. I am sorry for taking so long to get to this.

First Impressions: I am very impressed with how the dialogue flows and follows a very realistic direction. This is a very powerful scene. Garrett is so deep into the self pity pool, that even the shock of losing his daughter doesn't spur him into self improvement. He is forced to admit he has given up...a very immature and self centered individual who has been knocked a heavy blow. He is so guilt ridden that he doesn't believe he deserves anything less than what is happening.

Which brings me to Characterization: The concerned sister/aunt is well displayed--she must be feeling a measure of helplessness herself given her brother's emotion down slide. She knows there isn't anything she can do to help him get through this time in his life--9 months time is a long time to wallow in self pity, but I know individuals who have successfully wallowed for years. Olivia's concern is for Melody, her 15-year-old niece and Garrett's daughter.

Melody is portrayed as a very mature for her age girl who hasn't had much help from her father in dealing with her own grieving from the "car accident." Instead she has taken upon herself to be the caretaker in the home.


Plot/Theme: Nine months after a terrible car accident, a man who has lost himself in a downward grieving cycle and continuous self medication with booze, is confronted with his sister performing a "tough Love" intervention to try and salvage some of what is left of her 15 year old niece's life.

Comments and Observations: There was a point when Melody was confronting her father's inability/unwillingness to "snap out of it" long enough to show her some hope of his recovery, that his verbal responses actually became a bit unbelieveable. May I suggest that he not verbally respond to some of what Melody is saying...Silence from someone being pleaded with, or verbally attacked is a common response for someone who feels helpless in their situation. Him saying he can't and he knows sounds rather lame after a while--even to him. If it sounds lame to him he won't say it (or so goes the theory.) The actor will need to "act out his responses" rather than verbalize them. This will become more believeable in the long run I think.

Also there was a place where you "qualified" an action--the place where Garrett steps into Olivia's comfort zone during their arguement--you qualify this with 'seems to' step into her comfort zone. Get rid of the qualifier and have him step into her comfort zone.

Overall Observations: I really enjoyed reading this intense dramatic scene. The dialogue was, for the most part, very believeable. I know a few minor changes will intensify this scene perfectly.

Thank-you for sharing this script. I hope my comments have brought a smile to your day and any suggestions are strictly my opinion to be taken with a measure of salt; or, if you wish, ignored.


Take care and may your road lead to only good places.

Deb

I'm the writer I am today, only because of all the help I've received from other writers yesterday.

Compassion and the effort to try and understand some thing that was not understood before is a step toward acceptance not only of others but most importantly of yourself.