Hi! I'm one of the judges for "Invalid Item"  this round and thought you might like some feedback on your entry.

Some things I Like:

Love the title. I don't usually comment on titles, but this one piqued my interest.

The aspect of the piece that stands out the most for me is the flow. It is smooth as butter the whole way through. People sometimes forget that flow isn't just about line length... the words have to form pleasant sounds that fit together.

Your refrain is lovely, and you used it well each time. I think it's interesting that you combined the book and leaves around the book into "rustling leaves of wisdom". I found it pretty clever.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Down the eons of remembrance
echoes of an ancient author."

Two of my favorite lines. Again, the flow is super smooth in this stanza. For some reason, the fact that it is a fragment bothered me here. I usually don't mind at all. I think perhaps I was just not expecting an "of" to creep into the last line. "Down the eons of remembrance echoes an ancient author"... complete sentence and just as cool. I think my mind made that leap. Of course, you need the extra syllable that "of" provides, so no suggestion for change here. Just thought I'd mention it. Sometimes the tiniest words create the biggest hiccups I guess. Probably no one else would notice but me anyway.

There might have been a few too many descriptive lists for my taste. "forgotten, torn, tattered, creased, trampled" these might as well have had no words between them for me... it reads like a list. All together, they sort of drain each other's effectiveness. All of them are strong individually, but together, they had no effect on me. When the "damp decaying long forgotten" line came, I just felt like it was repetitive, considering the prior use of forgotten and list of adjectives. They sound good together, but they cease to mean much to me.

Overall, I think this is a lovely piece. You have some strong word choice, and the flow is impeccable. The strings of synonyms weren't my cup of tea, but it is still a very nice piece. Good luck with the contest!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .