Hello, I am here to provide you with some feedback on your item for the Simply Positive Reviewer's Group. If this review was a review request, thank you for asking me and feel free to ask for clarification on any comment!
Please note that ALL comments contained in this review are only one reader's opinion and are meant only as observations from one writer to another. Use what you find helpful, and ignore the rest. Most of all, Keep Writing!


TITLE, DESCRIPTION;: An interesting title choice, I would spell out Chapter ONE instead of number 1. Description didn't really catch my interest as I had no idea what a Kinetomancy Master might be- I'd try focusing more on the magical aspect and Kenton's challenge in story.

FIRST IMPRESSIONS:: I got a bit distracted by the seemingly shifting POV between paragraphs, I'd say this story would be stronger in first person and try to weed out third person aspects like paragraph two, re-work them to be first person, or do entire story in third person. I feel you could hold reader interest better if we see and feel through Kenton's thoughts and emotions.

PLOT; FLOW;: Plot seems to be about a school master of a magical school wanting his school to be one of the best, but I am not certain what his real challenge is. Flow would be greatly improved by sticking to one POV and giving the piece a good checking for small typos and spelling errors, I listed some in the line by line, but there are quite a few others sprinkled throughout. Easily fixed in editing phase.

Characters, Dialogue:: Kenton seems an interesting character, but I didn't get a real feel for his age, looks, personality. He seems a bit of a 'people pleaser', but that could just be my impression.
Dialogue flowed well for the most part, but did seem a bit long at the end which made it hard to follow. Perhaps sprinkling in some personal observations from Kenton, placing descriptions, brief ones, of person's who stand out to him would break this up a little and keep reader involved in story more firmly.

IMAGERY; EMOTION:: Imagery is good in describing city, needs a bit more detail on magical aspects, not all know what wards are or what they do. To non-magical types it can be confusing, Iknow, so had an advantage, but have also seen blank looks on faces of people I mentioned them to in reality.
You might want to shorten and combine paragraphs describing flowers and statues as they are not of great importance to storyline.

Favorite Lines/Parts::
Paragraph one, loved the idea of murdering paper! Reminds me of my own writing attempts.
Also liked the closing line as it left me curious about that character.

SUGGESTIONS;:

Yelled Kenton Kenton yelled.. [ smoother flow]
he He said..[ I'd actually try changing this up to He muttered under his breath or similar...]
Changing POV needs fixing as mentioned, also known as head hopping- I personally feel the story comes through better here solely in Kenton's point of view.
it is was too important...
and i I did not...
Do a thorough spell check and read through for typos and incorrect small words as above - too many to list here, but they are easily fixed with editing.
Can you put in some physical reaction when the carriage lurches on this important letter? Does Kenton slam a fist into seats, curl lips, etc.
what is a shudder, did you mean opened a shutter? Hard to wade through paper seated in carriage, not much room...
are were making it hard to work.
What happened to that so important letter? Feels like unfinished scene and throws reader off slightly in being a very abrupt change.
like a simpleton, you are a master. Now pull... [ punctuation adds smoother flow and drama]

CLOSING THOUGHTS;: I think you have the makings of a most interesting tale here, definitely worth putting in some time and effort to edit, refine and continue the story!


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