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Review #4029089
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by A Guest Visitor
Review of The Lost City  
Review by Teerich - 2019
In affiliation with Dark Dreamscapes  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hi there, Storm Machine Your have the dubious honour of posting just before me on "I Write in June-July-August " 

My name is Teerich - 2019

I am a writer just like you. I am not here to judge you. Please bear in mind that anything I say is just my humble opinion. It is my honour to read your work. Use whatever you can and send the rest fluttering off into the ether for another day.

I am reviewing your Fantasy story', "Invalid Item"  today as part of my review challenge.

*Check3* Capturing interest/establishing pace

This 1st person POV tale follows the Rue's quest, through a magical land, for her non-human father. She is accompanied by George, a dragon. The fast-paced story grips the interest from start to finish.

*Check5* Characterisation

The main character, Rue, a part-human girl, feels marginalised by her mother and step-father, who favour her little brother over her. They hide her away because of her unusual alien eyes. Her focused determination and healthy scepticism leads her fearlessly through her search for acceptance from her absent father.
Her side-kick, George the dragon, is sympathetic to her quest. His sardonic attitude adds bite to his character.
The cat who guards the Lost City gate is suitably suspicious.
Ven, Rue's newly-discovered brother, is eager to help him find their father.
The father, when he is found, has his mind on 'higher' things.
Other minor characters are adequately described.

*Checkr* Dialogue

The snappy dialogue is appropriate and moves the narrative along. However, there are one or two places where I would suggest a change in line breaks. A new line makes it clearer who is speaking. For example:
- '"I know what I was looking for." I grinned. "I mean, I found you." George snorted, smoke rolling from both nostrils.

George snorted, smoke rolling from both nostrils. "I think you have that backwards, Rue."'

This gives you:
"I know what I was looking for." I grinned. "I mean, I found you." George snorted, smoke rolling from both nostrils.

"I think you have that backwards, Rue."
It also empahsises that George's snorting is a reaction to what Rue says.

*Check3* Description/place/time/mood

The action takes place in a magical land which is finely drawn.
I particularly like:
'He stepped light as a kitten.'
'The dragon swished through the clinging fog.'
'His next puff of smoke formed a ring and sunk around me perfectly.'

*Check4* Presentation

The narrative was presented in short paragraphs interspersed with clearly defined dialogue. However, there are some issues with grammar etc, that you might consider. Here are a few suggestions.

1: The fork marked the first choice- where I had been was one road, and ,and four more roads led outward.(space) I would never have guessed he stayed behind me...' (overly wordy)
2. The next turning have had three more choices. (incorrect tense)
3. Finally I reached a wall. It was a larger wall than I could have imagined. (removes repetition}
4. It blocked the path, three of five paths of the final turning. (ambiguous: can't be both the path and three of the paths)
5. behind me, and the opened opening resealed behind... (typo?)
6. The fairy tail tale was over, (wrong version of the word)

*Checkr* Overall impression

I really enjoyed this action-packed yarn which kept my interest right up to the end. It had some nice original touches. There is certainly some scope here for a sequel.

However, I would have liked a more punchy ending. You left your heroine still looking for answers, but gave little indication of how she was going to resolve things.


Thank you for allowing me to review your work. I hope you find my comments useful.

sincerely,

Terri
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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/19/2014 @ 9:38am EDT
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