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Review #4029310
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (3.0)
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Hello, stormyraven30 . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

It's nice to see someone with such a strong connection to nature. I think the title and description could be a little more unique as they seem a bit generic right now.


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

This is a poem about enjoying a day outside with nature. You talk about all sorts of things that you do outside and how the wilderness is a sanctuary for you. I think there are a lot of different people who enjoy nature to different degrees. For example, I know a lot of people that would never be running around through the muck for fear of getting dirty or seeing some sort of wild animal. I've always liked nature though because it's so peaceful and the scenery is nice. I can relate to the fun of a day like this.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

I like how you describe the different settings of the day and hit on different senses that you have throughout it. I like the descriptions of a cold drink and the joy you feel at being one with the outside world. A strong connection to nature is a powerful thing, so it's great that you can experience it!


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

I like rhyming couplets, but I think you have to be careful with them because they sometimes feel forced. I think that's true for a lot of rhyming poems. It sometimes seems like the writer is more worried about making the lines rhyme than actually saying what needs to be said. There are a few parts like that in your poem where I feel the rhyming is forced. Where the lines are inverted to say things like, "By the water I want to be" and "My life you won't toy" are big red flags for me. It seems like we're trying to get those rhymes to be at the end of the sentence just so they will work with the other line in the couplet.

I also think there are some lines where one of the lines of the couplet has so many more syllables than the other that even though they rhyme, they don't flow well together. A good example of that is the third couplet that reads, "By the water I want to be. Instead I will settle for the cover a tree." In this same couplet, I think the word 'of' is missing after 'cover'.


*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

Overall, I like the subject matter of the poem and I think people will be able to relate to the examples used. I do think there is room for improvement with the flow and rhyme of the poem. Thanks again for sharing!




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