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 Review #4030660 |
  Hello, Fi! This is a Simply Positive Review. I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item" ."Elusive hallucination that evades my futile reach,"  I just love, LOVE, your opening line, so much so, that I started my review with it. It's rich with the sounds that play musical notes within the ear, especially when read out loud. It sweetly captures the melody that makes the reader want more. Good start! The sonnet-like melody continues on as a broken-hearted lover laments the tune of deep loss of returned feelings. There is a dawning of realization that all of the love given became a one way street. The love drained from one so willing to give, by one whose selfish needs tarnished all trust and faith in love altogether.The description, "Pack my broken heart up in a wooden box," neatly holds the story this sonnet is revealing. The heart is sealed from further damage, it excludes itself from any other lover trying to gain its attention. Quite a clever projection with your words of the intense sorrow of such loss.  Observations: "And awakening lost, out from my fevered state," "Realizing you are gone and it's all beyond too late." I loved the first line, but not so much the rhyming line below it.   This is where the smoothness seems to slip, ever so slightly, but noticeably, at least to my ears. Perhaps the commonness of the words chosen. I guess I want the first line's striking presence to find a similar strength of words, here. I'm no poetic expert, but I believe there are stronger words that could fill this line and keep the rhyme.  Perceiving, discerning (for realizing)Perhaps, "fate" instead of "late?" TRY: You're departure in my existence, neatly sealed my fate. Just a humble suggestion, I'm sure you get the idea of the power of words and could come up with something much stronger. Perhaps a little tweak in the third verse, also, with the "billionaire and its rhyme line, they are a bit wordy.   However, on the whole, you told quite a clear story in your sonnet that many of us can identify with. Thus, I really enjoyed this poetic melody of lamenting love lost. Another treasured line to end my review: "Cliffs corrode away like ramparts of my heart," Love this, and a great way to exit my review with your own beautifully chosen words.  Until next time--write on! Regards, WebWitch  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 08/26/2014 @ 4:06am EDT