Hello Silentlife,

I found your story "Emma"  on the "review a newbie" link and thought it was an enjoyable read.

I don't pretend to be an English major or an expert in grammar. You don't have to agree with anything I am saying, I'm simply offering my humble opinion concerning your work. I hope you find this feedback useful

Overall Impression:
I thought your story was very sad but also very realistic. Teen suicide occurs more than I think most people realize. As a high school teacher, I see students having to deal with a lot of issues today that many kids just cannot cope with. Its very sad that a young person is reduced to feeling that this is the only answer.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"You're gone, You though no one would care."
If this is one sentence, you should not be capitalized.

"He can't help but feel guilt for your death, always teasing you and yelling."
This just didn't flow well for me. I would rearrange it to say something like:
Feelings of guilt over your death consume him because he was always teasing and yelling at you.

"She's so sorry and she to blames herself"
Either add an "o" to make too, or change it to also

" A tear strolls down your brother's face as he realizes you're gone."
Probably nothing wrong with this, but when I read strolls, I imagine a walk in the park. I would make it a a tear roll down...

I saw no other issues with your writing mechanics or grammar

Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to keep putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) You are very talented and I look forward to reading/reviewing more of your work.

I also see you are new to WDC and want to welcome you

Thank you for sharing your story.

I welcome you to visit my portfolio and offer a review on any piece that may interest you

Rozebud

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .