Hello Pyramid Jones,

I found your story "Bad Dreams"  on the "review a newbie" link and thought it was an enjoyable read.

I don't pretend to be an English major or an expert in grammar. You don't have to agree with anything I am saying, I'm simply offering my humble opinion concerning your work. I hope you find this feedback useful

Overall Impression:
I thought your story engaged my interest from the beginning. I had a feeling as the story went on this wasn't going to be a normal night. I liked the mystery and build up to the end. You left me wanting for more because the story ended without knowing Dillon's fate or the mans. I think this a good lead into a larger storyline.

Grammar and Mechanics:
"Okay kiddo, you get to bed. And no reading...
I wouldn't start a sentence with "And". You could replace the period with a comma and make it all one sentence.

...end of a game then turned in.
I would add a comma after game, or revise the sentence. It is missing something there.

... he knew something was wrong. Bad wrong.
Bad wrong cannot support itself as a sentence. I would add a comma and make it all one sentence.... wrong, bad wrong.

... listening for signs of movement.
I don't think listening and signs go together. I think you either:
listening for sounds of movement.
watching for signs of movement.

You said Dillon's door was open and you thought this was strange because he always slept with it open. Did you mean slept with it closed?

I saw no other problems with your writing mechanics or grammar

Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to keep putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) You are very talented and I look forward to reading/reviewing more of your work.

I also see you are new to WDC and want to welcome you

Thank you for sharing your story.

I welcome you to visit my portfolio and offer a review on any piece that may interest you

Rozebud

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .