%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4031650 |
 | Bad Dreams  [13+] intruder gets payment of a sort  |
| (2.5)  Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! Hello, Pyramid Jones . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely.   First Impressions What drew me to this story was the description. I thought it sounded interesting and I like the crime genre. Who doesn't want to see an intruder get his? It's cool how Pete gets this weird feeling. I think parents can tell when their children are in danger and they can get these eerie feelings that they should never ignore.  Subject Matter In this story, we meet two characters, a father and a son. The father tells his son to go to sleep before eventually going to sleep for the night himself. At some point during the night, the father wakes up with this terrible feeling. He follows his instincts and grabs a knife from the kitchen. He heads to his son's room to find that there is the shadow of a man standing inside against the curtain. The story ends with the intruder turning around with his gun and the dad thinking fast and throwing the knife at the man.  Things That Worked jI liked the conversation between son and father in the beginning of the story. It seemed like a realistic conversation that would take place and shows the nature of their relationship. The son always thinks his dad is just giving him a hard time, but as we can see later in the story, Pete only cares about his son's well being. I thought it was cool that Pete followed his instincts when he woke up and had a bad feeling. It turned out to be a situation where he should have because his son was actually in danger of the intruder. I also think you did a good job of building the tension as he approaches the son's room.  Suggestions I'll start with technical issues that may need to be addressed. There are some grammatically errors throughout the story that need an edit. Here are a few examples: And no reading under the covers I would avoid starting a sentence with 'and' if possible. This one can easily be combined with the sentence before it. "Lights out mister, I mean it," There's a comma at the end of this dialogue, but it doesn't go on to say who spoke the words. I would either add in that Pete is the one speaking or I'd make the last comma a full stop. He had no idea why he awoke, but he knew something was wrong. Bad wrong. It seems unnecessary to point out that the wrong he felt was bad. I've never felt good wrong before. He went quietly into the hallway and noticed Dillon's door was open. This was strange because he liked to sleep with his door open. Why is it strange that Dillon's door is open if he typically likes to sleep with the door open? I think you may have meant to put that he likes to sleep with the door closed, so it's strange that it's open now in the middle of the night. As far as my personal suggestions I have for the story, I'd really like to see a full ending for this one. The ending left us hanging a little bit. Does the knife hit the intruder? Does the intruder then shoot either Pete or Dillon? Does the knife miss? If so, what happens from there? The end leaves more questions than it answers.  Final Thoughts Overall, I enjoyed reading your story and thought it had a good premise. I felt like it needed an edit on the technical front and I'd like to see the ending more fleshed out. Thanks again for sharing with us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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