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Review #4031680
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (4.0)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hello, kay_jay. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

Nice ending on that one. I'll admit, I was totally lost for a second there. *Laugh* Now the title finally makes sense. The reason I chose to read this item was because I liked the title, though I clearly didn't understand it at first, and because I generally like flash fiction stories.


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

Back Wardston is a strange place that I don't think I'd ever want to live. This sounds like way too much work to get my cigs every day. The story starts off with an introduction to the two main characters, Zach and Scruff. They're doing an illegal back alley deal for cartons of cigarettes. Both of them seem to have enough paranoia to spare as they hide in the shadows from a policeman down the road.

The tensions build as the dealer starts getting more and more anxious about the deal going down, which is typical of a pusher. Just as he starts to back off, Zack decides that he needs them and goes through with it. If only he'd never moved to Back Wardston.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

Alright, I'll tell you what I like about the story. First of all, I like that the characters seem realistic. I can see this conversation happening, in fact, I think I've had this exact exchange several times during various deals. The way Scruff starts acting even more paranoid as time goes is spot on. It puts Zack in the position where he has to go for it now or never and he chooses now. I feel like I can relate to the characters.

My favorite part, of course, is the ending. As someone who was too stupid to figure out what Back Wardston was going to lead to, it was a nice little twist that took me a moment to get. Once I did get it, I couldn't help but start laughing and thinking of other situations where these laws would cause similar problems. What I like even more is the clear foreshadowing of this when the old woman is yelled at and has to cross the street in the middle. Why didn't I get that? *Laugh*


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

There were some grammatical issues that need to be edited in your story. For example:

         "I don't think this is legal" Zack said I think there should be a comma after 'legal' here.

         Scruff started packing away his wears Wears should be wares here as in merchandise.

         “Wait,” he said “ok, here” Zack produced There's a lack of punctuation here. I would put a full stop after said and another after here.

         Your under arrest Your should be you're here.



*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

I thought your story was unique and funny. It was a good read and held my attention from beginning to end. I would suggest a quick edit on the technical front to bring this piece to its full potential. Thanks again for sharing!




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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 08/27/2014 @ 10:44am EDT
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