Hello Subaru,

I found your prologue "Total Coverage"  on the "review a newbie" link and thought it was an enjoyable read.

I don't pretend to be an English major or an expert in grammar. You don't have to agree with anything I am saying, I'm simply offering my humble opinion concerning your work. I hope you find this feedback useful

Overall Impression:
I thought your prologue was well written. It was enough to gain my interest and read the entire story now. In my mind it caused me to ask, why doesn't she love him like he loves her? Why is she treating him this way? What is she up to, she appears to be hiding something? Who is this character that comes in at the end?

Grammar and Mechanics:
“No, I won’t.” he said still looking at me
You need to change the period to a comma

loved me.” He said in a low tone.
replace the period with a comma and make "he" in lower case letters

“You told me that we’ll face this together but now, why?!” he shouted I exhale for a moment then looked at him.
This doesn't flow or read correctly. I would revise to something like:
He shouted, “You told me that we would face this together, so why change now?” I exhale for a moment then look at him.

Tears were already falling from his eyes begging for answers.
Add "as he" and change begging to begged
Tears were already falling from his eyes as he begged for answers.

“Your still young, you have a long way to go but unfortunately I’m running out of time I’m to meet my deadline soon Ian.” I said , his eyes widened in shock he was about to touch me but I slapped his hand away.
Revise with proper punctuation
“Your still young, you have a long way to go, but unfortunately I’m running out of time I’m to meet my deadline soon Ian.” I said , His eyes widened in shock as he reached out to touch me but I slapped his hand away.

“I said leave.” I said in a glare.
You repeated "I said"
“I said leave,” as I glared at him.

“I’ll come back tomorrow until I get my answer.” He said, then he ran off I heard the door closed in a slam.
Revise with proper punctuation
“I’ll come back tomorrow until I get my answer,” he said. He then he ran off and slammed the door as he closed it.

I’m going to leave soon anyway.” I said in a wry smile.
Revise with proper punctuation
I’m going to leave soon anyway,” I said with a wry smile.

Suggestions:
The only suggestion I have is to keep putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) You are very talented and I look forward to reading/reviewing more of your work.

I also see you are new to WDC and want to welcome you

Thank you for sharing your story.

I welcome you to visit my portfolio and offer a review on any piece that may interest you

Rozebud

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .