Happy WDC B-Day!

Some things I Like:

I stumbled across your portfolio decided to peek at your poetry folder. I figured that I might as well give you a quick review.

I think that the intro is strong. The opening line is a really nice hook. I love it. That 'fragile weapon' of the "glass cannon" is lovely.

The second stanza is quite clever. It contains some of the strongest writing in the entire piece, in my opinion.

Observations & Suggestions:

The last two stanzas aren't as strong for me as the first two. "All fortune in this mess is your creation" is the only line in the piece that is awkward. The flow is off, and something about the "in this mess is" doesn't quite work for me. I do love the meaning, but the execution could use some polish.

The last two lines provide an appropriate ending for this piece, but their power pales in comparison to many other lines in the poem. Generally, I look for a strong ending. I expected one in this case, and I didn't feel like I really got it. It serves its purpose, but it isn't as memorable, interesting, or beautifully written as other parts of the piece.

Overall, I like the poem. I think it has some shining moments, but there is still some room for revision here and there. Tightening up the phrasing in the third stanza would help quite a bit. Somehow creating some resonance in the last two lines would be great as well. They didn't leave me thinking or feeling anything except slight disappointment that they weren't as strong as the beginning. Still, this piece has tons of promise, and it wouldn't take much effort to polish it.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .