I found this entry in the Lair contest and am reviewing it for the Sr. Mod Birthday Challenge!

General Comments:This is an interesting story that gets darker as it progresses and ends with a good twist. I enjoyed reviewing it.

Line-by-line:
Your writing will be in blue.
My suggestions will be in red.
And stuff I find amusing or really like will be in green.

Remember I am a writer just like you, so take what you can use and ignore the rest.

The dark caverns went on forever. He roamed for eons on end through the dark, looking for an escape. Shadowy creatures lived on the other side of a dark river, which ran through the caverns, but he could not cross. Hunger plagued him, but nothing could ever satisfy it. He longed for freedom from this place.

* * *

"Reports of a strange creature in the Grand Canyon has some visitors worried, but the park rangers discount the majority of the stories as hysteria gone wild. This is Tom Hayes with channel twelve news. Stay tuned for the latest in sports."

Lily picked up her cell and selected Cindy's number. "Hey, Cin, did you see the news about the creature in the Grand Canyon?

"You were there last month with Jan and all went well? I'm happy to hear that. I've been looking forward to this trip for a long time. So we are still meeting at Sky Harbor at six in the evening? Okay, I'll see you then." I'd like to see this actual conversation. It would make more sense to just have the characters talking to each other.



Lily parked her car in the long term parking lot. This week long trip to the Grand Canyon was one she'd been looking forward to for almost a year now.

She stepped from the air conditioned car into the suffocating heat of Phoenix in August.. There was no escape in August from the Phoenix heat. She used her foot to push the door closed. closed the door with her foot.

She made Making a note in her cell of her theparking area, then she pulled out her back pack from the trunk. She packed only the things she needed. She used the pack to shut the trunk. The reader will assume that she closed the trunk without telling us this detail.

Within minutes, she was on a small bus headed for the terminal. Will Jan and Cindy be here yet? Jan was usually on time but Cindy--

Her thoughts were interrupted by a loud screeching sound as she was thrown forward in her seat. The bus driver shook his fist and yelled something incomprehensible at a car that cut them off Let the reader use their imagination here. We've all been cut off by other cars.. Wow! That was a close call.

She didn't need to end up in the hospital for her vacation. "That wouldn't be a vacation at all." You don't need quotes here unless she said this out loud.

A couple of passengers gave her odd looks, but she ignored them.

The bus came into the terminal drop off, which was crowded. She left the bus and entered the terminal, which felt a bit cooler than outside. She continued to the information counter. This reads choppy. Maybe try something like - As the bus pulled into the terminal, large crowds milled through the sliding doors. She picked up her pack and headed for the information counter.

She spotted Jan right away. Jan waved at her. He was hard to miss at six foot six. Cindy stood near him. She was also tall at six foot one. She spotted Lily and waved too. They all checked their bags and went through security. This seems out of place. They should greet each other in some way more than just waving.

"Well Either "we'll" or just "we" still have an hour before our flight to Flagstaff," Jan said. "How about some dinner?"

* * *

He sniffed the air. His mate must be here somewhere. This place was so strange compared to the large, dark caverns of his home. The creatures here were odd as well with a true corporeality. They had a flavor that he craved. He saw a small one hopping his way. He pounced and gulped it down in one bite.

* * *

The jerking of the plane and screams pulled Lily from her nap The flight from Phoenix to Flagstaff takes like 45 minutes. It's hardly enough time to even get comfortable let alone take a nap.

"There was some unexpected turbulence. Some passengers were not wearing seat belts and were injured. They are being attended to in the back," Cindy replied. I can't imagine anyone saying this. Maybe something like - "We hit some turbulence and somebody in the aisle was injured."

"That was a really close call," Lily remarked. What is she referring to??

"I agree. I'm glad we'll be on the ground soon."

Lily was surprised she slept for most of the flight to Flagstaff. A few minutes later, the plane was on the ground. After collecting their bags and renting a car, they were all ready to continue their trip. This seems out of place and kind of obvious.

Cindy walked outside and said, "Wow, this cooler air feels great."

Lily smiled. "Yeah, and I'm glad Jan volunteered to drive for the next leg of the trip."

"I did?"

Cindy laughed. "Lily and I volunteered you. We are contractions should be used in dialog since most people talk with them otherwise the reader will think it's odd sitting in the back for some 'girl' talk."

Jan shook his head. "The drive is only ninety minutes."

"I guess we'll need to talk real fast," Cindy said with a laugh. I like this little exchange. It gives us some good insight into the characters.

After Jan left to get the car, Cindy said, "I didn't actually invite Jan. When he heard about the trip, he said great that he loves the Grand Canyon."

"So you don't want him here?"

"It's not that, Lily."

"Then what is it?"

"He has an over zealous notion of honor. We grew up together in the same small town." Tears began to fall from Cindy's eyes. This seems odd. Why would she be suddenly crying?

Lily put her arm around her shoulder. "You don't need to speak of upsetting memories."

"My brother Martin and Jan went for a swim in the river. My brother drowned, and Jan blamed himself for not being able to save him. He appointed himself my 'protector' so to speak since that time then."

"I'm sorry to hear about your brother, but I think it's a bit more than that."

Cindy shook her head. "I don't think so. He is just here because of his sense of duty to my dead brother."

Lily sighed. "We'll talk about this later. He's here with the car."

This is quite a jump. And she's sleeping a lot. You could use this part to have them discuss scenery and bring some detail to the setting for us as well as discuss their plans for the next day.

A hand pushing on Lily's shoulder woke her up. Cindy said, "You missed an hour and a half of empty desert, except for cacti and a few hogans."

Lily smiled, "I am so sorry to hear that, so are we there yet?"

Cindy laughed. "The hotel is just ahead. I plan to go to bed early. We leave on our mule ride at eight in the morning."

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Lily agreed.

* * *

His appetite was insatiable. He picked up a scent that made him drool. His saliva dropped to the ground, sizzling and popping, melting dirt and rocks. The creature ahead of him was a large one with horns atop its head. Suddenly, it turned and ran, but he was much faster and caught up to it. His teeth and claws quickly stripped it down to skin and bones. He licked his lips. His hunger pushed him on.

* * *

Not long after breakfast, Lily, Jan, and Cindy along with five men and two women plus their guide rode followed their guide down a narrow trail. The beauty of the canyon was truly hard to capture in words. The fresh smell in the air was so refreshing repeat of fresh ... use some adjective to describe the smell for the reader in comparison to Phoenix. The quiet was good too.

"It's a miracle we even got this mule trip. I put in the reservations eighteen The park systems don't take reservations more than a year out and sometimes not even that far. months ago," Cindy said.

"I hope you all have your camera's ready," Jan remarked. "We should see plenty of wildlife."

Lily removed the lens cap from the digital camera around her neck. She didn't think she would be able to take pictures while the mule was moving, but at least, she wouldn't forget to take it off. She pushed it in her jeans pocket. It's small enough to fit in her jeans pocket while she's riding on a horse but it has a lens cover???

"It is good to have clear skies," Cindy remarked.

Jan said, "A little rain never hurt anyone."

"If I remember correctly," Cindy replied, "the last three times we went somewhere, we got drenched. I wonder if dark clouds are attracted to you."

You could use this conversation to give us information about the canyon itself instead of them having a non-descript conversation they could have anywhere in the world. Let the reader feel what it's like to be on a mule in the Grand Canyon.

Lily smiled at the chuckles in the group. There was a spattering of conversation, but most people were just taking in the beauty before them. Several hours later, they were at Indian Garden near the river.

She watched the water rush by, reminding her of life.

"Why such a serious look?" Cindy asked.

Lily chuckled. "I was thinking about life and work."

Cindy laughed. "Relax, you'll be back to work soon enough."

Jan said, "There are some burn marks on the ground."

Lily and Cindy walked over and stared at the tracks, which were of a dog, except these were five times larger. Lily squatted down to examine the melted ground. The heat must have been extreme to melt dirt and rocks. She stood up. "We should tell the guide."

* * *

He was happy. This place had lots of food. His hunger still gnawed at him, but it was better than before. Now he had a different kind of hunger. He hungered for his mate. She must be here somewhere. He kept sniffing the air but to no avail. He called to her frequently, but she never replied. He leapt from hiding onto another creature and gulped it down.

He sniffed the air. Her scent was near. He was surprised and pleased at the same time. His mate had finally come. He ran quickly to meet her.

* * *

They walked together to the lunch area. Come. Lily stopped in her tracks.

"What's the matter?" asked Cindy.

"I thought I heard his voice."

"His? There is no else here but us chickens," Cindy quipped.

Lily laughed. "Yeah, I don't know why I said his. Let's get some food. I'm starved."

Suddenly, the ground began to shake. They both fell down. shake, knocking them down. A crack in the ground appeared near Cindy, which grew wider and longer as the shaking continued. Cindy she crawled on the ground to get away from the crack it then but her legs dropped into it over the edge, and she screamed. add the next sentence to the following paragraph The earth stopped shaking.

Lily ran to Cindy and pulled her away from the crack. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, that was a close call. What is that smell?"

"Sulfur. It really is strong."

Come.

"I heard that voice again."

"Are you feeling okay?"

"I’m fine."

Lily shook her head. "Let's get back to the others."

They both came to a stop stopped at the sight of a huge black three-headed dog that was as big as a horse, but it was the three heads drooling lava that terrified them. horse. Lava dripped from it's jaws. The heads lifted in the air and sniffed then looked in their direction.

Lily was terrified and stood still, hoping the beast would just go away. He padded slowly toward them growling in a low voice, Come.

One of the heads looked at Cindy who was frozen in place, shaking. Lily shook her head in protest. "No." The mouth opened and devoured Cindy in one gulp. Lily screamed. "This isn't real. It can't be real." Break this up and give each character their own paragraph. At this point in the action we want very short quick sentences to read to draw us through the climax.

The creature moved even closer until it stood so close she could feel the heat radiating from it. Looking into his eyes, she saw the depths of darkness. His? She knew him with a knowledge that was not possible. His tongues slithered from his mouths. She wanted to back away but was caught as if in a spider's web.

The tongues wrapped around her body as he cried, Mine.

Her eyes widened, and she shook her head in denial. Pains began to strike at various places on her body. Her pants ripped as did her blouse. "No," her denial did not stop her body from changing. The appearance of eight teats shocked her. She screamed as her skin rippled and stretched. Red fur began to appear. Pain shocked her mind and body as the changes continued.

* * *

Lily was happy with her mate. Her three pups were happy too. There was plenty of food in this great place. She was glad she answered the call.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .