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Review #4036984
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (3.5)
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Hello, alexizz2. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

Nice title for this one and I like the description as well. I wanted to read the story to see who betrayed the boy and what had him so depressed.


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

In this story, we meet a main character who is fighting a battle against himself. I think depression is this way and people who have suffered it understand the way that it takes you over completely. I felt bad for the kid because I could tell that he was suffering and his thoughts were racing as the end came nearer.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

I think you did a good job of creating the right language for a story about this type of subject. I liked how we got a little bit of a backstory with the main character and saw into the family where he was raised. We find out that his guardians were drunks and were abusive to him, which could have gotten the ball rolling on the decay of his mental state that we're seeing now.

The ending was interesting and made me think for a minute about what had happened and why. The main character is clearly sick and needs help, but feels that he is completely helpless. His mind is working against him and it wins out in the end.


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

I feel like one of two things needs to happen with this story. As I was reading, I was getting this vibe from it like it could be easily turned into a poem. A lot of the thoughts in the story aren't full thoughts, which was both good and bad. I thought that it helped to create a tone of urgency, but at the same time, it didn't read as well as it could for a short story. As a poem however, with a bit of tweaking, I think this could work really well.

The second option would be to flesh this out more and let us get to know the main character better so we care about him and his situation more. Give him a name and let us see him go through his last day. Provide more details into what is going on in his mind in more specific terms.


*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

Overall, I thought the story was an interesting topic and I felt like you did a good job building the tone. I do think there is room for improvement with the flow of the story. I think it could work better as either a poem or a longer, more detailed story. Thanks again for sharing with us!




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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/10/2014 @ 6:27pm EDT
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