I'm not into present tense, but I'll give this a go. lol I do love Sci-fi.


life forms floats--should be 'life form float' or 'life forms float'
patch of ice evaporation until it dissipates. -shouldn't that be 'evaporating' ?

In your first paragraph, you 'tell' us the life form gets in the gear and head of the man, but it might work better if you 'show' us. since they are sealed to hold in the pressure and oxygen, then you might want to give more detail as to how it works it's way in. If it is sentient then maybe show us it's thoughts as it struggles.

Show us, give us the thoughts, the words the man (?) uses when it starts effecting him. His screams, his telling someone else how much his head hurts etc. Also, you mention head gear but him slapping his head...you may want to back up a bit and describe if they are in an atmosphere controlled place, or what. If not then again, how would it get in. If so, then why the head gear?
As a reader, I'm lost.

I'm not into the F word, so don't know how much I'll read. But you are 'telling' us he goes into a catatonic state. Describe the action. I'm seeing a blank screen, imagine you are watching a movie, what do we see?

If you aren't under a word count, then it's a great place to show action, show the other peoples responses, the picking him up, checking his eyes, getting him to his bed or the infirmary....

He gazes question her.--I'm not sure what you meant.

If you click on the spot in your folder to 'save format' then the paragraph indentations will stay. that will help show new speakers and clarify without so many tags. “We’ll have the results within an hour,” she says. “Where’s O’Connor?” She asks. --Combine those sentences and cut out one of the tags.you don't need all the 'tags'...he says, she says, queries her, responds, asks, etc.


Also..try showing with actions what they are feeling, hand slamming on table, head scratching, scrunching up the eyes, fingers drumming on the table, see what I mean?

How does the other guy know it's a parasite? We didn't see him perform any tests. What does he see, in face, in blood, what symptoms?

try watching for the apostrophe's - it's
you don't need all the 'tags'...he says, she says, queries her, responds, asks,

“Everybody accepts the report our man died from an aneurysm, but he wants to make an issue of it. I can’t persuade him to change his mind,” -Throw a name in there 'our man' 'he wants' 'persuade him' 'his mind'--all that in two sentences.

people in close proximately of him needs to be --people/need -take off the s in needs

I didn't keep writing down suggestions, it's late.
I wanted more for an ending. The family would want more, no funeral, nothing? The last sentence didn't do it for me.

Thanks for sharing.
love, LinnAnn