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Review #4037615
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Review by Bikerider
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I read your vignette, "Invalid Item"  and offer these comments, which I hope you find helpful.

Your opening paragraph, called 'the hook' is well done. The hook is designed to pull your reader in, and with the sentence, then lowest point came along, left me wondering what that was all about. Good job with that.

This is very important for authenticity, so I thought I should comment:
You wrote: Lowest Point was a law enforcement agency who took on everything from large drug dealers to terrorist. They overseen the police departments in the local cities all across the country. It was very tough to get into this organization. Only the elite detectives were chosen to transfer to Lowest Point. It was currently run by Commissioner John Spector.

There is no one organization, local or federal that oversees all the police agencies across the country...not even a few. If you want to use an organization such as this, I would replace Lowest Point with a semi-secret agency funded by the federal government that supports local police departments with money, equipment, and highly-qualified investigators that handle high-priority cases.

You wrote:James started packing his stuff when a man walked into the squad room. He did not recognize the man. He was dressed in a suit with a red tie which is unusual around there.
If you are going to tell the reader that dressing in a suit with a red tie is unusual, then you have to tell the reader why that is.



Dialogue:

Dialogue can move a story forward, and yours does. But people use contractions when they talk, especially in an informal setting.

This type of dialogue is stiff, formal, and not realistic:
Your dialogue;
“I am looking for Detective James Campbell” The man stated.

“That is me” James replied.

“Hello, my name is Norman Miller. I am with the Lowest Point Special Task Force. I have come to pick you up and take you to headquarters” Norman explained why he was there.[Norman already explained why he was there so you don't need to tell the reader that Norman explained why he was there] He was nervous about this because he wasn't sure how these guys were going to react to being transferred to Lowest Point.

“Okay, I am almost ready”

That same dialogue using contractions.

"Hi" the well-dressed man said. "I'm looking for Detective James Campbell."

James gazed at the man's dark suit and red tie. "I'm James Campbell," he said. James was used to seeing people in uniforms, so the suit seemed out of place. "What can I do for you?"

"My name's Norman Miller. I'm with the Lowest Point Special Task Force. I was sent to pick you up and bring you to our headquarters."



This is well done dialogue:

“What if I mess up?”
“What if they don't like me?”
“What if their cases are to much for me to handle?”

These lines of dialogue are good and make Campbell come to life. Anyone, cop or otherwise, would have some self-doubt in this situation. He was chosen to become part of an elite group and his personal insecurities came out. This is totally believable.


The scene ends on a very good note. James Campbell and Specter obviously have a history together, and you left me wondering what that history was, and whether it was good or bad.

My comments are not intended at criticism's, they are an attempt to help you make the scene more authentic. I hope this helps.













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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/10/2014 @ 3:35pm EDT
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