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Review #4037660
Viewing a review of:
 Downfall uninterrupted   [E]
This is my first posting here. Pertains to the inner most turbulations of a broken mind.
by Saraii
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Hello, Saraii . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to WDC today with a quick review. My inbox is open if you need any help navigating the site. Keep in mind that the following is just the opinion of one reader. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it! If not, feel free to disregard it completely. *Peace2*



*Mushroomo* First Impressions *Mushroomo*

The title "Downfall Uninterrupted" is great. It inspires images of being in a downward spiral that cannot be stopped or will not be stopped for what ever reason. I would suggest capitalizing the second word in the title as that seems more appropriate.


*Mushroomg* Subject Matter *Mushroomg*

I see this piece as speaking about mental illness and a state of mind that is unstable in some way. You talk about how your perception is distorted by what's going on in the person's mind. It can sometimes feel like you're just not capable of fully understanding things the way other people see them and that can be hard on a person's ego, especially when they are already suffering with mental issues.


*Mushroomb* Things That Worked *Mushroomb*

The imagery was wonderful! I loved the language you used. It was very poetic to read and it brought a lot of imagery to my mind as I was reading. I loved the line, Displayed imagery of madness amongst open flames torching through forgotten memories. I thought that was a great way to describe the mental state that you're talking about here.

My favorite line of all though was the very last in the piece. Describing it as a web weaving you further away from a stable mental state is perfect and even people who don't directly relate to the feeling will be able to understand the pain it can cause.


*Mushroomv* Suggestions *Mushroomv*

For me, the biggest thing that needs to be worked on here is the flow. I understand that it's currently written as prose, but this could so easily be turned into a free verse poem with punctuation and it will help the reader to have a more even flow while reading. Just for example:

Eyes shut, mind numb,
disguised in the third person.
Retract and recreate thoughts
of unstable dimensions.

Flowing through parts unknown,
an abyss disguised as a mirror
image of oneself.

Just continue on that way throughout the poem and you'll have an awesome free verse poem that will flow well and be a little more enjoyable for the reader. It will also help your imagery stand out more.


*Mushroomp* Final Thoughts *Mushroomp*

Overall, I enjoyed this piece and I felt like the imagery was your strongest part. There is room for improvement with the flow, which isn't quite there yet. Thanks again for sharing with us!




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