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 Review #4038558 |
 | When the Incompassionate is Silenced  [13+] After Eric's death, Eden is left torn apart. Even the three Ghouls can't comfort her.  |
| (3.0)| The opening sentences or paragraph of a story is called the "hook." It's called that because this is where the writer hooks the reader, brings him into the story and makes him want to read more. A hook must not only cause the reader to wonder what's next, but it must be written in such a way that the reader can see that the writer knows what he/she is doing. No one wants to read a poorly-written story. Your hook. Eden lay still in her bed for hours while tears constantly poured down the arms she had pressed against her face. She did not know whether it was day or night, but she did not care. She had been given a fantasy that she now realized she had taken for granted, and it was ripped from her arms before she could see how wonderful her days had become since Eric had abruptly appeared in her life. Your opening sentences are good, but it could be stronger. What is the fantasy Eric took away? Had he called off an engagement? Had he left her completely? Did he die? Something else. Most people, when they cry, they cover their faces with their hands. Unless Eden placed her arms on top of a table or desk and then laid her head on her arms, I would change 'arms' to hands in the first sentence. Characters: Eden: A reader knows only this about Eden: she has long black hair. You can't expect a reader to care what happens to your character is they don't know who she/he is. It isn't until very late in the story that the reader learns that Eric has died. Not good! You are cheating your reader if you don't give them pertinent details as they read. A reader wants to get to know a character, get a feel for them, like or dislike them, or else why would they care what happens to the character? Jerly, Ms. Pamber, Nile: They are ghouls. That's all a reader can know about these 3 characters as they read. Again, a short blurb explaining these characters before reading the story is not going to keep your reader reading. As each character enters the story, introduce them. Don't use a laundry list of characteristics, but say something about the character as they are more and more involved in the story. Here's an example: Ms. Pamber, judging from her compassionate nature, must have been the mother of several happy children before she became a ghoul. Give the reader something so they know not only what the character is saying, but who they are. Things for your reconsideration: "Why?" Eden partially whimpered about to break down into another river of tears, "Why did this have to happen to me?" How does a person partially whimper? Either you whimper or you don't. Lashing out in eternal pain Eden cried, "I don't care!" She looked down at her weak legs and loudly whispered, "What does anything mean?" If you whisper loudly, then you're not whispering. With a quick chuckle, Jeryl quickly spewed, "Ah! One question that lingers forever in the ear of humanity!" Using the word 'quick' twice in the same sentence is not good. How does one chuckle 'quickly?' I would drop the first chuckle. Eden broke down into more tears and then numbingly said "Are you even real?" How does one 'numbingly' say something? You have a tendency to use long attributions where simply saying, 'he said, she said' would do just fine. The whole room entered a state of stillness, and even the Incompassionate Jeryl's laughter had come to an abrupt croak. If Jeryl had been known for smiling often, anybody who just met him would know because his face had turned completely pale. Nile moved backwards slightly as the eyeless sockets on his face felt burdened with pain. A room doesn't move, therefore it cannot 'enter a state of stillness.' A stillness fell over the room, or silence filled the room, okay, but the room entering stillness doesn't happen. Second, "an abrupt croak?" I'm not sure what that is. How about Jeryl's laughter came to an abrupt halt? Several hours passed, and Eden was in the den of the Apartment. Nile and Jeryl were out of sight, but Ms. Pamber stayed near. Eden noticed the snow out the window..., Earlier in the story you said the room had no windows. Ms. Pamber looked up in some form of interest Some form of interest? What does that mean? With slight interest, with interest evident on her face? Or no interest? Conclusion: The best advice I can give you about this story is this; At the beginning, under Quick Information for Reader, you 'tell' the reader the things you should be showing the reader in the story. As you go through the story, show the reader who the ghouls are. I don't mean just by giving their names; but who are they, what is their purpose in the story? These are things a reader should find out in the story, not in a short blurb before the story begins. I'm not sure if this story is part of a longer story, but if it is I wonder why you started so late in the story. Obviously a lot of things have happened before the opening of this story. Someone had a strong relationship with each other, (Edin and Eric). Someone important has died. Three ghouls have befriended the main character. Where did they come from and why are they helping Eden? These are questions your story should answer during the telling, not by using a blurb to help the reader catch up on the story. I think this is a story worth telling. It needs a detailed edit and some work on overuse of words. Sometimes it's just better to say something simply, rather than trying to use unnecessary words that do nothing for the story. You've made a very good start on what can be an interesting story. Don't stop now. None of my comments are intended as criticisms, instead, they are offered in the hopes that you can improve your story. Keep writing! Bikerider Font: This is the default font size. This is font 3.0. This is font 3.5. As you can see, there is a slight difference in size, but I suggest using font 3.5 for most stories, it gives your writing a better presentation and makes the story easier to read.  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 09/13/2014 @ 8:07pm EDT