I am going to assume this is a work in progress and it is rated NPL, because you are still trying to finish it. Thus, I can only give you a review for what I am gleaning from the story at this point.

Your brief description caught my attention, because I wanted to know how the horrible accident changes this teen's life. However, it ended rather abruptly, leaving the reader with a whole lot of unanswered questions.

I think there are a few things you could do to help kick-start your story:

Develop your main characters, let the reader know who they are, by giving them dimension, quirks, attitude, etc. the things that make teenaged girls or guys, the complex human beings they are.

Develop the scene. Don't just throw granny under the bus -- or semi-truck, for that matter, without building up the facts of the scene. Show us why these events were happening when they did, rather than saying she was hit by a truck, causing someone to run to her aid, causing another life to be endangered.

The reader wants to know what made this particular day so dangerous as to place these chains of events into motion.


EXAMPLE: This is your opening paragraph:

"Megan Blank just got the third out at home. So the score is still tied." Cayler texted to Hannah. Cayler is a sixteen year old that lives in Iowa City, Iowa. Cayler is one of the nicest and prettiest girls at Hawk High School one mile from the Iowa Hawkeyes softball field. Cayler plays softball and basketball but her favorite is softball. Cayler has met the Iowa Hawkeyes softball team and knows some of them personally. But today, Cayler wants to get to know Megan Blank before her Aunt Hailey and Caylers Uncle "Ok! I am bringing Kate and Lauren also." Hannah says putting a smiley face at the end."

This is awkwardly stated, very wordy and repetitive. You have Cayler's name repeated seven times, here. I think you almost wore it out. This is just in the first paragraph and it could actually be broken apart and developed more in other paragraphs.

TRY:

Cayler texted the score to her friend Hannah. She loved the game, and the fact that her school was only one mile away from the Iowa City Hawkeyes, soft ball field. Also, she was hoping to meet her favorite player, Megan Blank, before her aunt and uncle had the chance to beat her to it.

Hannah responded back, "Ok! I'm bringing Kate and Lauren along with me." She finished the text message with a smiley face.


This is just a quick example of breaking-up the wall of words and clarifying the events about to take place. It also gets rid of the repeated use of Cayler's name.

I think you have a start of a story, a picture in your mind of where it's going and can picture these characters clearly. You just need to express your thoughts into the words that will make the reader get the same picture in their mind's eye.

Please keep working on this, because I have a feeling there is so much more you can do with this.

I did not correct all of the errors I spotted, but just wanted to point you in the right direction to better format this story and develop it.

Break-up the paragraphs by skipping a couple spaces between them. This will make it easier to read.

Separate different thoughts within new paragraphs. I know you are excited to get your ideas out on paper but taking your time finishing one thought and then going on to the next will make it easier for the reader to follow.

I suggest writing-up a quick outline of characters, some descriptive and what will be happening and where. (scene development) This way all of your ideas are written down so you don't forget them. Then you can introduce them to your story in an organized order.

As I stated above, you've got a fine idea for a young adult story; you just need a little more organization and clarification. I hope this has been helpful.

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