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Review #4039739
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Review by Bikerider
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Rated: | (4.0)
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I saw this story entered into The Weekly Quickie contest and decided to take a look. I am not a TWQ contest judge, but I hope you find my comments helpful.

Characters:
Kerry and Marshal, aka Mr. Gorgeous. We know the height of your characters, but I would like to know more about them. They are college students, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're young. You still had 62 words in the contest word count limit, enough to give your reader a better look at your characters. When the contest is over and there is no word limit, I strongly suggest that you properly introduce your characters to the reader.

Setting:
A college dorm shower room. Perfect for almost any erotica story. I know it ate up some word count, but I like that you showed how much trouble Kerry went through in the shower...washing her hair, conditioner, etc. When you show character movement you bring your characters to life.
I like that on their meeting, only a towel separated Kerry and Marshall. The fact that neither of them ran off gave them more life, and it showed an immediate attraction to each other. Their rooms being right next to each other gave the setting more meaning, showing the ease of further contact.

Theme:
Two college students meet for the first time in the communal shower. Their rooms are next to each other. There is an instant attraction between the characters. Neither character seems to be a prude. A whole year of school lay ahead. There is so much here in short a short piece.

Conclusion:
I noticed that you have only one review and for only 2 1/2 stars. This is a well written scene and I can only assume that the low rating is due to the lack of a sex scene. But I like an erotica story that begins slowly, introduces me to the characters and their feelings, before they rush nilly-willy into sex. I have read erotica stories that are simply a description of a sex act. If I don't know the characters and can't 'see' them, I don't really care if they have sex or not. If I don't see some emotion, some depiction of the character's feelings during the sex act, I don't really care what they're doing. You have taken the time to show your characters and how they feel before you show your reader the characters having sex. I think this is well done and very refreshing. I have written quite a bit of erotica and have won The Weekly Quickie many times, so I'm not a prude. But some erotica writers use more base language than is necessary to get the point across; their stories lack class. Words for the sake of shock does not make a story worth reading. Your story is well worth reading.

I will say this, though. There is so much here for you to work with, so many places this story can go, and with the school term laying ahead of your characters, I suggest, once the contest judging is over, that this scene be the beginning of a much longer piece. Your style of writing and your approach to this scene tells me you have the potential to make this a longer story that will hold a readers interest.

If you do turn this into a longer story, or add scenes to it, I'd love to read it as you go.

Well done, a worthwhile and enjoyable read.

Keep up the work.

Bikerider


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