The reader is taken into a world of suffocating darkness, it actually makes her feel her breath being pressed from her lungs and the anger at it and the pain and fright that goes along with it.

Your poem does paint the picture of depression and how one is at a loss to dig out of the sandy hole it places them into. It also reminds the readers that they do not have a real clue about what it feels like if they themselves have not experienced it.

Observations:

In this verse, below, there is an awkwardness of how the point of view change is implemented, here.

It holds me down
with all the burdens
I feel are mine to bear.
You'd run screaming
I am sure.
If you could only hear,

I think it would be made smoother if you built a foundation to the POV change rather than just hit us with it.

TRY: And this of course is just one example:

It holds me down
with the heavy burdens
that I must bear.
Making me wonder,
if I should continue to
expose them just to share.
Would you scream with fright
from the reality you will hear?


The underlined part is the foundation which will smooth the point of view transition, by alerting the reader to something important coming up in the verse that involves their persona; attention. They are drawn into visualizing what you are asking them and trying to answer it in their minds. You've now involved your reader in a dramatic way.

Which lines caught me and pulled the whole image of depression together?

"So now you know my secret.
The one that weighs me down.
There's nothing I can do or say
to free me from the ground."

This verse says it all. Your secret is out, this is how it is and there can be no denying it. Good, strong verse telling it like it is.

Thank you so much for sharing this with the readers. You have the courage to tell your story and I think writing is such an important tool which empowers rather than stifles us.

You last responded to this review 09/23/2014 @ 3:48pm EDT

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