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Review #4044063
Viewing a review of:
 Depression  [13+]
Written during a dark time in my life, I tried to describe my depression.
by Rayyna
Review of Depression  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello, Rayyna . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: The title Depression is simple and straightforward, but definitely works for the piece. It's not my favorite part, but it does make sense with the subject matter. I absolutely loved the first two lines: I never saw it coming. It hit me like a brick wall. They caught my attention and I was hooked from there on out.

One of the first things I submitted to WDC when I joined was a poem about depression and it was awesome to get feedback on it and see how much other people can relate to it. I can relate so much to this prose. I think you did an excellent job of bringing the reader down into the hole of depression, even if just for a second. People who haven't suffered depression are going to be able to see where you're coming from because of the analogies and imagery that you used.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: I loved the whole metaphor of riding a wave and having your board crack. You keep pushing it because you think if only you could make it your destination, things would get better. I think people with mental illness tend to try to push themselves, if only in self-denial of the situation at hand. There's always that thought of, "After I do this, everything will be okay." You know what I mean. "After I quit this job, I'll feel so much better." Then you find a new job and nothing has changed. Or, "Once I move, I'll be happy. It's just this place that's bringing me down."

I also liked when you were talking about your mind and body being completely separate entities. It's like your mind is stuck somewhere else and you can't control it or bring it back. My favorite lines in the whole piece were, My head did not split and my body did not break into pieces. Instead, that simple blackness overwhelmed me and I disappeared into it. Perfect description.

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: I don't have much to add here, but I will say that I noticed some repetition in this that through me off at times. You do it a few different times, like where you say crack in three sentences in a row. Or "just" twice in the same sentence, like here, f I could just keep my balance for just a little bit longer..

Those things aren't a huge deal, but they were enough for me to notice while reading, and there were a couple other similar instances. I figured they'd be worth mentioning.

*Jackolantern* Summary: I loved this prose. I think you did an excellent job of describing depression to where even those who don't actively suffer from it will be able to at least put themselves in that position. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 09/30/2014 @ 1:34pm EDT
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