Hi! I stumbled across this piece and the title intrigued me. "Clip the Moon" is a great hook, in and of itself.

Some things I Like:

You have some awesome phrasing in this piece. I particularly like "splattered in ink". It provides great imagery, sounds and looks appealing, and has a cool tone that fits the piece nicely.

The final line puts the title into perspective very well.

You also handled the elements of nature quite well.

Observations & Suggestions:

The biggest issue for me is the flow. There are times when the lines seem belabored and throw the rhythm for a loop. There are moments also when the sounds of the words used together are difficult to get out. I might suggest setting the poem aside for a few months and then reading it aloud. If you stumble over words at any point, readers probably will too... only more so because they have no idea what it says before they read it.

The rhymes are alright, but they didn't move me or interest me. They just didn't add much to the experience. I think at times they also added to the faltering flow. Here and there, a line is so long and awkward that the rhyme is all but lost when read the poem.

When you stopped rhyming in the "Free to drift" line... I kept going back to look for them because it seemed strange to have internal rhymes and then just stop cold. It isn't as though there was a switch to slant rhymes or another poetic technique... the repetitive sounds just stopped.

Overall, I think that this poem shows promise. You have some very poetic ideas that you expressed beautifully. Strung together in their current state, they lack an easy rhythm and flow. The rhymes were ineffective for me as well. Still, I think that with some revision, this piece could be excellent. It's worth the effort I think.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .