Welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy your time here!

Some things I Like:

There are some very impressive moments in this piece. The first stanza serves as an excellent hook for the piece. The alliteration is a bit cloying, but it still works very well.

I really like the last two lines as well. It sums up the poem nicely. I also appreciate that the poem begins with tons of action and ends with a sigh. It is very fitting for the topic.

I also think that many people will be able to relate to the piece, which may be a good thing.

Observations & Suggestions:

"Who look down, their nose to drop" -- This line is just weird. It seems like you're struggling to make the rhyme work here, and pretty much all meaning is lost. Someone can gather what you mean, but it is just weird. "Their nose to drop" sounds like boogers to be honest. It was the first moment that fell totally flat for me when I was reading. It is also grammatically incorrect... "their" is plural... so "nose" should be plural as well. As much as I love other parts of the poem, I really am not a fan of this particular line. Strongly suggest revision.

"as mornings sun did rise" -- This seems like it should be either "morning" or "morning's". Again, "mornings" is plural and "sun" is singular... which just reads strangely. Even if there is a suggested "in"... "as in mornings sun did rise", it still seems weird.

I do like the second half of the third stanza. An amusing universal truth.

Overall, I think that you have a pretty solid piece in the works here. The idea is great. I like the way you expressed the idea most of the time as well. The flow is good. I like the tone. You have excellent progression through the piece. There are a few places that could use some light revision. I only really disliked one line, which is pretty good on the whole. Just some general polish would go a long way with this one. It's worth the effort.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .