Hi! The poem I reviewed piqued my interest, so I thought I'd read another poem or two in your port. I landed on this one.

Some things I Like:

This is the second poem I've read from you, and something has become very clear already: you have a very strong and quirky voice. You also naturally have excellent pacing and flow. Quite nice.

The flow in the middle three stanzas is particularly nice.

I expected to find a poem full of imagery, as it has a nature title. I can't say that I miss it at all.

Observations & Suggestions:

There are some weird things going on in this piece too. Lots of little oddities. I'm just going to run through some for you.

"Rain and breeze remind"... grammar isn't everyone's strong suit, but it matters. Things like this stick out to me like sore thumbs and disturb my experience. So... it isn't 'reminds'... it is 'remind'.

"reminds me what / it ought to be" -- I gather that "it" is supposed to be love or relationships or something of that nature. BUT when I first read this stanza, I had no idea what you were talking about. Had I not already read one poem of yours, I would have quit right there. Grammar issue plus an unknown "it"? I might consider clarifying what you're talking about there. The first stanza is the hook... confusing people early isn't ideal.

"a feel with only senses" seemed really weird to me the first time I read it. Now, I quite like it. The line grew on me. Still, I thought I'd mention that it might have people scratching their heads.

I LOVE the "and think of use" stanza and how it flows as a logical extension from the second stanza. That is one of the areas that created the amazing pacing and flow.

"I see you there / you see me here?" This could have had a similar vibe as the stanzas before it and been very effective, but it somehow misses the mark. I like what you're saying, but the sound isn't very smooth for some reason. It's as though 'there' and 'here' are meant to rhyme or something, when clearly they aren't meant to at all. I don't know... something about it bothered me.

The last stanza didn't move me or interest me at all. I would be tempted to just cut it completely. There is no emotional pull, and it doesn't tie the poem together either. It starts out in the present... and five seconds later you're saying 'the breeze still blows'? Well yeah... why wouldn't it? In general, it is sort of an anticlimax.

Overall, I think this is an interesting piece. I would consider looking at the areas I mentioned. Fixing the grammar issue in the first stanza is a good idea at the very least. With some revision, the poem could be really good. It just isn't there yet. Still, I love your natural voice and excellent flow.





My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .