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 Review #4044253 |
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| (4.0)  HI Ben! I came across this title and had to explore. The word "again" made me curious! LOL I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! I am not a pro so just take what fits and dump the rest(dispose of the evidence}   Wow! This tone of this reads like one of those voices on crime series tv giving details of the street, stats etc with objectivity. If this is a true event as you infer at the bottom of the page, wow again. I am sure the event was more emotional than this report. whew! The experience part makes for good story. I liked the bist of advice thrown in as he is using his pistol. The matter of-fact style you use is effective for this kind of theme. I followed the story with ease and details made it easy to visualize the scene and the incident. The comparison to the boxer is a good point! Setting the scene with the character as slumlord introduces the potential area and gives him reason to be around for the incident.I am not sure why the population paragraph is relevant. I see the reason to give us an awarenss or hint that crime might be high. but it does not really connect in coherent manner. We might miss it if we have to infer. In the third paragraph I wanted to read "and" for "but at that time of day.." I can see it if you said, as it was devoid of..you could easily see...etc. but you haven't got there yet. It just struck me.  The action is paragraph 5 was more vivid: "blood fy" and nose description gave potent image and evoked response.I think the line about standing by the lamp needs to be "lamp-post by which they were standing.."   How does one "instantly" run and how "quickly" could she get stable if she had been beaten. Adverbs aren't always clear and specific I have been told. Something to consider though we do know what is meant!. "got her feet under herself " is awkward. The scene with the gun and the pole was awesome idea. That he never went to check on the woman is plausible for the character and area as it was obvious they didn't want to be noticed. Some commas needed>> "but(,}in this case(,)  Thanks for sharing this episode that seems to depict a common picture of this neighbourhhood. I love the style. Light on the path as you write on! eyestar ** Image ID #1815342 Unavailable **  My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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You responded to this review 10/02/2014 @ 12:30am EDT