Review number # 2 of week Sept.25th-Oct. 1, 2014

Hi Aqua,

My name is Lyn and I am doing a review for Simply Positive.

Please remember I am a writer, I know what it feels like to be reviewed! Please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Title: I'll Always Be There for You

First Impression: The poor little girl has lost both parents, deep sigh!

What I liked: Lily's understanding of the situation, people often misjudge what children can deal with. They do better when adults are honest with them.

What needs your attention:" His voice was so hoarse, he couldn't even recognize it." I think it would sound better with didn't instead of couldn't.
"Hey, princess!" Peter held his five-year old daughter Peter held his five year old daughter in his arms and put her in front of him." This sentence does not, it looks like you deleted a thought and wrote it again with half of the original sentence in there.
"Now who said I was sleeping here?" I pause when I read- Now who said, I was sleeping here. So I would add a comma.
"Aunt Carla said that you were sleeping." Aunt Carla said, that you were sleeping. another comma. issue.
Lily pointed, accusingly, on the brunette behind, who dramatically displayed her hand over her mouth in a surprised gasp. It should say to the brunette behind.
"Suddenly the air seemed to squeeze out of his lungs and he coughed vehemently as he struggled for oxygen." comma after suddenly, I would change and to the word as. It flows better when reading.

Favorite Parts: Peter talking with Lily about the ending of his life and where he will be. I thought the explanation for her age was appropriate, not too much information just enough for her to find comfort with and that her aunt would continue her care.

Overall Impression: It has a lot of potential and I hope you do come back and work on it.

Thank you for letting me read your work. It was my pleasure!
Lyn




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .