Hello, Hitler . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely.

Title, Hook, and Formatting: Ghost Girl is a good title for this story. I typically like when a character is given a name, even in a short story, but I think just referring to her as "Ghost Girl" here shows how little people think of her and what life must be like for her living without a name.

The first line, The girl was a freak, a nobody, was a good hook. It caught my attention and made me want to read more about this nobody girl and how she became known as a freak.

Best Bits: You did a good job of illustrating different situations she's in where she is treated so horribly. I especially liked the thought of the students treating her as though she were a ghost and pulling various antics to portray her that way.

They "booed" at her. When people stood near her, they pretended to have chills. I can see high school students doing something like this with someone they thought was lesser than them. It's sad that she is being treated that way, but I thought it was an excellent way to get the reader's sympathy for the girl. No one should be treated that way.

Possible Suggestions: I'd like to see the story fleshed out a little bit more. I'm still not sure why this girl was picked on so harshly or how a high school student could have no family. I'd like to see the backstory of this and it would awesome to get into her head before she kills herself. You did a good job of describing the situation she's in, now it would be cool to see how she feels about the situation.

There also needs to be a major edit on the technical side of things. I think it might be a good idea to run it through a spellchecker before submitting, just because it will pick up on simple misspellings like greaduate, invisable, retended... Another good thing to do is to read through your writing after you've finished it. You may be able to pick up on the typos like, The girl lived is alaska. Here, Alaska should be capitalized and 'is' should be 'in'. There are numerous instances of this in the story and it detracts from it a little bit.

Summary: Overall, I thought the story had an interesting premise and I loved your description of things that happened to the ghost girl. I think you need to work on the grammatical side of things and maybe flesh the story out a bit more. Thanks again for sharing!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .