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Review #4047346
Viewing a review of:
 BUT MOM  [E]
Sometimes the kids are the real adults.
by beavz
Review of BUT MOM  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, beavz . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: I love the title for this one. It's like the quintessential thing for a teenager to say to their mother. This is a quick and funny story. It held my attention throughout.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: I think you have the dialogue down perfectly. The way the daughter talks to her mother is an exact roleplay of how mothers talk to their daughters. I thought it was funny when she called her mom 'missy' only to get the response of being called 'young lady' by her mother. *Laugh*

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: I'd suggest an edit to fix some of the grammatical errors and typos. Here are just a couple examples:

her so called star cross lover I would make, her so-called star-crossed lover.

Intertwined and Lip locked I don't think these two words should be capitalized here as they aren't proper nouns or the start to a sentence.

"What do you have say for yourself missy?" I exclaim I would add a comma before missy as she is talking directly to her mother. There is also no punctuation at the end of this sentence.

I also want to mention that 'no butts' should probably be 'no buts', unless the mother is referring to the body part. The first paragraph starting with 'with' and ending with 'it' should probably be broken up into smaller paragraphs too.

*Jackolantern* Summary: It was a fun, quick read and the reversed character roles was humorous. I would only suggest an edit on the technical side. Thanks again for sharing!

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