*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4050671
Review #4050671
Viewing a review of: {citem:}
Review of  
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Hello, I am reviewing this as a judge in the "Invalid Item" 


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM "Simply Positive Review Forum " !!!


The Jack-O-Lantern:*Jackolantern* (Title, description, etc...): A nice working title, but I'd punch it up a little in finished story. Description fits and draws interest.

The Costume: (Contents)
You made many changes to this piece in the rewritten version, but I felt it moved a little fast into the full blown romance department. Maybe try a transition part where both agree to 'stay in character', than realize thier feelings are real, not just thier characters. Jake seems to be in love all through, not just acting at first. This made the story feel rushed/forced for me.

The Treats: *MugO* (Imagery, Emotion)
I'd like to see a bit more of the lake setting as they first see it, are trees green, leafy? water calm choppy, green or blue? Ducks, other people, benches visible? You did a great job detailing the paved walkway area, so easy to visualize the bridge!
Emotion reads a little forced because of how fast story moves. Jake sounds a bit too good to be true, can you give hints to his feelings/ possible doubts about Samantha? I think one or two flaws/doubts would add strength and depth to his character. Even a small, fleeting thing.

The Tricks:*Cat2* (Suggestions)
         
"Let your pain flow with your tears"... sounds rather trite between two people who just met and magnitude of his loss. How does Samantha know how he feels about lost mother?
Who knows,[ missed comma here]
Wouldn't Samantha have shown signs of infection this advanced, weakness, loss of apetite, fever, weakness? Just things to consider.


The Full Moon:*Ghost* (Overall Thoughts)

I really liked the premise of this story and feel it definately has potential to build on. Your ending is great, very sweet and romantic! A tale definately worth further time and edits.

A SIMPLY POSITIVE REVIEW BY SM FERGUSON!!
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 10/21/2014 @ 6:47am EDT
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4050671