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Review #4050732
Viewing a review of:
 Awake Beside Me  [E]
A poem inspired by my wife's insomnia
by Charles Scott
Review of Awake Beside Me  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, Charles Scott . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: The title caught my attention and I wanted to read what it would be like to be with someone who suffered from insomnia. I don't personally suffer from it for prolonged periods of time, but I do have weeks on end where I can't sleep due to depression and anxiety, which I'm positive isn't even comparable, but I could relate to the title because I've sat awake next to my wife on many occasions while she slept soundly next to me.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: I think the rhyming couplets work well in this poem. It has a good flow for the most part, save for some parts I'll mention in the 'suggestions' section below. I think you did a good job of portraying the guilt that you feel because you're sleeping while she's miserable beside you. Of course, it isn't your fault. One of you needs to sleep at least so you're not both feeling irritable.

I like the ending because it holds a lot of hope that the issue will be taken care of someday and you'll be by her side until then. My favorite couplet from the poem is, Nights of terror, little sleep; insomnia, it runs so deep.

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: I feel like the spacing is off here. You have rhyming couplets, but they aren't spaced that way. I would suggest not double spacing and focusing on breaking them into couplets:

I can't relate to what you speak,
I close my eyes, I fall asleep.

I start my day, alert, well-rested.
You start your day, already tested.

There are some phrasing issues where it could be a little tighter or the words could flow better. For example, You tried to too, but lost the fight. This one would flow better and still get the point across if you took the first 'to' out. We know what she's trying to do and the double to/too just sounds strange. Another one that didn't work for me was near the end when you rhymed day/Monday. It didn't flow very well for me, probably because it's basically the same word rhyming with itself.

*Jackolantern* Summary: I like the subject matter of this poem. It's a situation that is unique, but at the same time, others will be able to relate in some way. There are some phrasing issues that could be revised to make the poem reach its full potential. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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