This was quite an interesting subject matter and presented in an unusual way.I enjoyed reading about the conversation between "life" and "Death." They personify both sides, opposites in all our minds. The beginning and the end -- it's the perfect circle of life.

Observations:

This is your opening statement. I think you could hook the reader with careful word choices. You have the fast/slow/quick used almost disconnectedly, here. I think there may be a better way to describe the happening.

"I ran as fast as i could, slowly i could hear him catching up to me so i used a quick burst of energy and jumped into the trees and kept jumping until i was caught and was being carried bridal style."

TRY: I ran far as I could, as fast as possible, and leaped into a tree trying to escape my mortal enemy -- the darkest part of my existence, but it was to no avail. I was captured and carried away.


"I forgot. My name is Life and the man carrying me is Death. We have been friends since the beginning of time. You see i still look as though i am 16 but i am so many millions of years old, but hey i can't change anything. Anyways. At least once every 20 years we meet up play a game and just kinda catch up on things so here we are." Here's another spot where you could choose your words better and write a little tighter with higher impact. Eliminate unnecessary words or numbers (which should be written out) so that it keeps the reader on track.

TRY:

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Life, also known affectionately as "L" by Death. We've been well acquainted throughout millenniums. Each one of us powerful nemeses and yet friends because of our longtime relationship to everyone and everything.

Death has finally caught me for what could be my end of days. My youthful appearance means nothing to him, because it's just an image, an eternally young one, just as new life, itself. Even during his capture of me I can't help but express my love for him because he can introduce me to his world, the darkness of death, and perhaps a well-needed eternal sleep. Yet, I realize his game; I should, it happens to me every twenty years.

This is just an example of grabbing the reader's attention and bringing more pictures to the mind's eye.

You need to capitalize your "I'" when it stands alone. It's distracting not to do that and is wrong grammatically.

{e:note:2} You have an author's note following the story, but it isn't stated as such, it sort of flows on at the end of the story, making a reader think there is an additional bit of information on that particular story -- but it isn't. I suggest separating it more from the body of the story and placing the words "Author's Note:" perhaps in italics, then follow through with the note.

With a little edit here and there, your story will shine bright!

Until next time -- write on!

Regards,
WebWitch




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .

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