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Review #4051125
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (3.5)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*


Hello, Ali Stone . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Jackolantern* Title, Hook, and Formatting: Aw, poor bats. *Pthb* The title of your story caught my attention while scrolling through the "Read a Newbie" page, probably because it was all in caps. I wanted to find out what the main character in the story was swearing. The first sentence proved to be a good hook because you involved the reader in the fear of bats.

*Jackolantern* Best Bits: I think the conversational tone works well for this type of story. I liked the lines that spoke directly to the reader, Don't you dare look at me like I'm crazy. I also liked, One time, listen to me! It felt like the narrator was super hyped up and wanting to get everything out before being interrupted by the person they're talking to.

*Jackolantern* Possible Suggestions: There needs to be some editing on the technical side. The first sentence should have some commas in it. Oh come on don't tell me you are not afraid of them too. I would add a comma after 'oh' and 'come on'. One thing I noticed is that some of the writing is stiff for such a conversational tone. I'd suggest embracing the contractions, like in the sentence mentioned above, I would make you are the contraction you're. It seems like it would fit better with the narrator's casual way of speaking. It's furry wings... It's should be without the apostrophe, so just, 'its'. So what if I live in Manhattan, have you seen... I'd break this one up into two sentences. So what if I live in Manhattan? Have you seen the wings on those things?

*Jackolantern* Summary: I liked the tone and mood of the story, it felt very personal. I would only suggest an edit on the technical side to make the story reach its full potential. Thanks again for sharing with us.

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