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Review #4054832
Viewing a review of:
 Home  [E]
this poem is about travelling and finding your home.
by paris girl 80
Review of Home  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, paris girl 80 . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Beakerr* General Impressions: This is a quick poem about the ambition of never settling in one area. I think as a lot of people are growing up, they always think they could never live in one are for their entire life. It is a scary thought, when you think about it. The narrator seems to have a lot of passion in what they want out of life, which is always good.

*Beakerb* Best Parts: What's cool about this poem is that so many people will be able to relate to it. The ending is especially true because no matter how much you travel, something will always be missing if you don't have love. I think you expressed your points efficiently. The meaning is clear and the tone is consistent.

*Beakero* Possible Suggestions: Biggest issue I see here is related to the flow. There isn't a smooth rhythm throughout and it doesn't make it difficult to get into the groove while reading. Part of the issue is the rhyming, which seems a bit forced in certain spots. The lives/alive lines come to mind as far as trying to rhyme for the sake of rhyming. The super long first line in the second stanza also throws us off course a bit. I wonder if there's a way you could break that into two lines while still keeping the rhyming pattern. Though you'd probably have to get rid of one of the other lines in the second stanza in that case. There's a way to rework it, I'm sure! *Bigsmile*

The next issue I noticed is that the language is weak where we really need it to be strong and powerful. I've seen lots of different faces but my plans always seem to unravel. I'm confused about these two lines. They don't really seem to be connected to each other. How does seeing lots of different faces bring us to the point of your plans unravelling? I've seen lots of different faces doesn't quite have the strength the poem needs. It's vague language, which shows up later as well with Travelling keeps the soul alive, I'm going to see the world. I'd like to see some stronger language and more passion here.

*Beakerv* Summary: Overall, I liked the meaning behind your poem and I think many people will be able to relate to it. With a bit of reworking to create a better flow and some possible language changes, I think you'll have a strong poem here. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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   *CheckG* You responded to this review 11/07/2014 @ 2:37pm EST
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