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Review #4056929
Viewing a review of:
 Dillon  [18+]
Dillon lives his life primarily on the internet and contemplates suicide
by Caleb Francis
Review of Dillon  
Review by Charlie ~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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Hello, Caleb Francis . My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Peace2*

*Beakerr* General Impressions: I've read your story 'Dillon' and am prepared to give you a few thoughts as a reader. I chose to read this story because the description caught my attention. I wanted to see what had driven Dillon to contemplate suicide.

*Beakerb* Best Parts: There are some very realistic aspects to your story. I think you've got the base for a strong character in Dillon. His friends' usernames on his online RPGs were especially realistic and made me laugh. My favorite part was Dillon's dream about delivering a speech to a naked crowd, only to be called a prude and have his clothes torn off by them. I thought that was interesting and dreams are always kind of weird like that. I was also interested in seeing what would happen to Dillon after the FBI agents handed him a warrant.

You did a good job of created a rounded character in Dillon. He was depressed and because of that, he was doing horrible things to those around him that were both illegal and immoral. I think the internet provides people with a means to boost their confidence or make them feel superior to others based on their knowledge, so that part really served to give depth to his character.

*Beakero* Possible Suggestions: I'm going to be totally honest here, you've got to embrace pronouns, man. The repetition of the word 'Dillon' in the story just about drove me up the wall. You used his name fifty-four times in a five hundred word story, but never referred to him as 'he' or 'his'.

For example, Instead, Dillon had been doing all Dillon could to erase Dillon’s digital existence. This sentence is a fair example of the way you write throughout the story. I would suggest writing it as, Instead, Dillon had been doing all he could to erase his digital existence. This reads so much more naturally.

There were some other things I noticed. Certain lines were repeated in the story without really holding meaning that would need to be reconfirmed. For example this exact sentence, Dillon was majoring in computer science and minoring in psychology is stated twice within just a couple paragraphs. The reader hasn't forgotten what Dillon is majoring in already, so it's a bit unnecessary.

The only other thing I noticed is that there is a very stiff tone used throughout. When you're talking about Dillon's friends and masturbation habits, it's like you're a police officer reading off a report. It's like fact checking rather than letting the reader learn naturally about the main character. I think this could be fleshed out a bit more so we learn about Dillon more naturally.

*Beakerv* Summary: There were some great things about your story. The main character was interesting and had a lot of realistic qualities. I liked that he was multi-dimensional. There needs to be a heavy edit on the repetition of his name. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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