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Review #4062910
Viewing a review of:
 The Old Black truck  [E]
A story of the author's youth on a Wisconsin farm. Geared toward a children's audience.
by Pat
Review by Bikerider
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)


I saw your story, "The Old Black truck"  on the Shameless Plug page and took a look. I hope you find my comments helpful.

You used a lot of good description in this story, most of it would appeal to a younger audience. I like the writing style, and the way you brought the story along in a logical sequence. Good job.


Some thoughts:
The opening sentences/paragraphs of any story are called "the hook" because this is where you 'hook' your reader and make them decide to read on.
Your opening paragraph: One of Pat’s favorite times of year on the farm was combining time, when his dad would harvest the oats off the field with a machine called a combine, which separated the oats from the straw. It was pulled behind dad’s tractor. The straw stalks would come out the back of the combine, leaving a golden trail in the field for the baler to come along and eat up and make bales out of it. And the oats would be spit through a chute into a metal box on the machine until it was full. Then it was time for dad to pull the combine alongside………The Old Black Truck, which he had parked in the field, waiting to be loaded with oats.

Remember, your reader probably doesn't know as much about farm equipment than you do, so when you say Pat's favorite time was combing time, the reader will tend to think it's a mistake and that you're talking about combining time. The way you used this word made me stop and go back, then read again, but I didn't understand until I read through. Having a reader stumble is never good, but it's worse when it's in the opening. I suggest that you use other words, or give more meaning to the word combining in the first sentence so you can eliminate a reader's stumble.

Again, in the opening paragraph, I didn't understand why you used ellipsis after the word alongside: Then it was time for dad to pull the combine alongside………The Old Black Truck, which he had parked in the field, waiting to be loaded with oats.

Dad had gotten it from Pat’s Great-Uncle Jack when he had retired from farming, and it had has served Dad well since that time.

That said, whatever way Dad would start started the truck, Pat was always excited when the truck’s motor would roar roared to life.


Things I especially liked:
The straw stalks would come out the back of the combine, leaving a golden trail in the field for the baler to come along and eat up and make bales out of it.
This is an excellent description.

Conclusion:
I have a suggestion, but please consider this as my opinion only.
As I read I wondered two things.

1. Is this a bit too detailed for a young reader? Will a young reader really care about hydraulics? Things like that might be a bit too technical.

2. What happened to Pat? I saw him in the opening sentences, which would normally indicate he was an important character in the story. But then you don't mention him again until nearly the end of the story.

I suggest you make more use of Pat. Maybe the story could be from his POV. He could describe the truck the way he, a young boy/girl sees the truck. You could show his excitement as he and his friends ride in the back of the truck waiting to be dumped into some bales of hay. The anticipation of that should be able to hold a young reader's attention.

You have the makings of a good story here. Young children like hearing about old trucks, especially an old truck that lives on a farm, a truck that the children living on the farm loved. The truck could be another character for them to see.

One more thing: I suggest using a larger font. This review is font size 3.5.

I enjoyed reading this story. It's nostalgic in so many ways for me. Thanks for sharing.

Bikerider


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