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Review #4064484
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What there is of this piece, as this is only the first few pages, is vivid and actively written. I found it an absorbing start. I think the main character’s plight was a good way to pull the reader in. I think there are some details that you may need to expand on. For example, when Califar rescued Jessica there is no clear indication as to how far he had to travel to get back to his own shelter. As it is written it feels like it is on the same site as the bandits, which clearly wouldn’t work. Another question is, while he is rescuing her, where are these bandits as there is no mention of conflict or the need for him to evade notice while escaping with her. If the bandits are elsewhere then I just think that you need to mention that.

I think the atmosphere of the baked desert and unrelenting heat and its effect on the main character was well communicated, and the tone is right for the subject matter. Although, whether this is right for a romance novella I would question as it feels, to me, more action/adventure with a romance element.

Anyway, here are some more specific suggestions:

Jessica peered through her sore, gritty eyelids and focused on the assassin-black scorpion meandering across the sand covered mat toward her bare feet.

This is quite a cumbersome starting sentence. I feel, as it is the first sentence, you might want to make it more snappy, as it currently feels almost rambling by the time you reach the end. I would try to shorten it and take out any unnecessary detail.

Jessica peered through her sore eyelids, focusing on the assassin-black scorpion meandering towards her bare feet.

The repugnant odor added another level of stench to the tainted air in the stale confine of her sweltering prison.

I would question if air would ever feel stale inside a tent as tents, particularly the type described are drafty. Hot and stifling, maybe, but I just don’t feel that stale fits here.

The new man, much taller than the others, stood rigidly still.

Rigid and still are very similar in meaning, you don’t really need both. I would choose one or the other.

He’d never experienced the intense urge to kill that suddenly choked him with its powerful grip.

I think you need a ‘before’ in here, otherwise the meaning becomes conflicted because he is obviously feeling it at that moment.

As the start of a novella, this feels to me a powerful and absorbing start. As the start of a romance novella, I do feel a bit of concern as it doesn’t really play to the general style of the genre. There is certainly a romance element here, but it doesn’t feel like the main focus. This could lead to confusion and loss of readership, if it is marketed as a romance and yet doesn’t share the expected style and characteristics of the genre. I personally would reclassify it as action/adventure and romance, so readers have a clearer idea of what to expect. If the rest of the novella is more traditional romance then I would suggest you start at a different point; a point where the characteristics of the novella as a romance novella are stronger. I don’t think there is an issue having a scene such as yours in a romance novella, as long as it is properly blended in but if you are marketing this as a romance then I don’t think it should start with this scene.

Anyway, this piece is written quite well and I enjoyed it. I think you just need to decide exactly what it is going to be, action/adventure or romance.

Good job so far and keep it up.





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