Hi! I'm judging "Invalid Item"  for Round 65 and thought I should give everyone some feedback on their synchronicity poems!

Some things I Like:

A very nice entry, love! The twisted POV at the end is one of the best I've seen thus far. Very clever. I really like the idea there.

You have some lovely lines and phrases throughout, which is not surprising at all. I have read your work before, after all.

The tone is appropriately dark. The flow is perfect. Excellent word choice as well.

Observations & Suggestions:

I did enjoy the piece, but I didn't feel that the first two stanzas hooked me at all. They seemed to really be telling me descriptions... directly to me. I very rarely use that whole 'show don't tell' nonsense, but I don't think that was a super effective hook to start out with telling. A little creepy perhaps, but it didn't spark my interest. The third stanza is the one that drew me into the piece.

The "no glimmer of light" stanza had one of those awkward syntax twists that are so common in metered verse. Except, here it is 100% unnecessary. It may sound a bit more poetic, but it sacrifices some meaning in my opinion. You could have just as easily used "You will find no glimmer" rather than the twisted line. I know that you are infinitely comfortable with those twists, and you use them well. For this particular form, I don't think it was needed.

Overall, I think the poem is really nice. The mannequin angle is excellent! I'm surprised that no one else came up with it because it just seems so... perfect. There were a couple of things that I thought could be better, but it is a nice piece. Not my favorite of yours either, but I enjoyed it!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .