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Review #4068717
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Review by Charlie ~
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Rated: | (3.0)
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Hello, sammyduncan. My name is Charlie and I'm happy to welcome you to the site with a review today. If you have any questions or need help navigating the site, feel free to email me. Keep in mind that the following is just one reader's opinion. I am not a professional and you know your writing best. If you find something helpful here, use it. If you don't, feel free to disregard this review completely. *Snow1*

*Ornament2r* General Impressions: I like the subject matter of the poem because it's one I can relate to easily. When it becomes a habit to run from things, it's hard to stay in one place, even if it's the best thing for you. I think a lot of people never stop searching for the things that will make them at peace with their self, and I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing either.

*Ornament1g* Best Parts: My favorite part was the beginning few lines:

I been running all my life,
From left to right,
Afraid of stopping,
Afraid to be happy,
Afraid to fall in love.

I can appreciate the sentiment involved here. Who wants to open up to happiness when it can so easily be taken away from you? It's easier to keep running than to allow yourself to be vulnerable. Of course, on the flip side, the running isn't so great in the end and your feet get tired after a while.

*Ornament3r* Possible Suggestions: I would just the I been to I've been in the two times it appears in this poem. I know this is sort of used as slang at times, but without any other slang used in the poem, it really stands out against the rest.

Hope builds me up and crashed down on me again This line has a verb-tense agreement issue. I would change crashed to crashes so that it matches the rest of the verbs in the poem. I would also cut this line in half because it is so much longer than the other lines. I would end this one at 'and' and move the rest of the line, 'crashes down on me again' to a line of its own below.


This is probably a personal preference, but I'm not quite digging the repetition of 'afraid of' and 'to find' here. I like the meanings behind the lines, but I don't think the repetition works well for this particular poem that is so short to begin with. I think you could easily extend these ideas using only one of those starters, such as:

To find peace with myself,
something better in myself.

*Ornament4g* Summary: Overall, I think the poem has a strong topic that many will relate to. I believe the poem's language could be improved on slightly to make it stronger in total. Thanks again for sharing with us!

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