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Review #4069934
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Review by Shaye
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Rated: | (4.0)
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Hi giventaste,

I am Lorraine and I am reviewing your piece "Invalid Item"  today because you entered "Invalid Item" .

Disclaimer: I am not a professional in any way, so I apologise if anything seems off or not right.

Title: A very suitable title that gives a hint of what is to come, without giving away exactly how or why it is going to happen.

First Impression: I felt for sure it was going to have something to do with the Father and husband, but when the third party arrived I was thoroughly surprised! Good twist. I enjoyed reading this and would rate it higher if it wasn't for the grammar mistakes, which I've pointed out for you below. Let me know when you've made changes and I'll be happy to re-rate this for you! *Smile*

Plot: Quite a simple plot with a strong beginning, middle and end. I liked the style of this story and believe it suited this story perfectly. No suggestions here.

Characterisation: Poor Isabelle and her crazy life. I really do feel for her dealing with her crazy family and crazy bosses! If possible, I'd like a little more description of her, as she is the main character. There are many ways you could weave this in, perhaps fussing with her hair before the guests arrive? Or fussing over what she's wearing?

Setting: Again, a little more description would add to the overall feel to this story. Perhaps more description before the fight and then after the fight, to see how things were destroyed and ruined by the fight?

Spelling/Grammar:
"my brother likes he's a......" - Generally when using elipses you only use three, you don't need six.

""If you're needing a place to stay you are more then wel...." He was quickly cut off by my Father's cold glare."

Since this is two people in this paragraph alone it should be separated as follows -
"If you're needing a plce to stay you are more than wel..."

He was quickly cut off by my Father's cold glare. "Don't you think that's why I'm here, Boy?""

This clears up which character is speaking and acting.

"kissin" - This should be kissing, or if you intended the missing 'g', it should be kissin'.

"his eyes where on me" - his eyes were on me

You seem to use elipses a lot, when in fact other punctuation would work just as well. Perhaps "-" or, if you want to symbolise someone slowly stopping you could say something like, "He tried but nothing," I trailed off.

Too late."

You also used the wrong "to/too/two" in the same sentence I just used in my example above. I corrected it above, as it should read "too late".

Closing Thoughts: I hope you don't mind me listing errors like that. I'm just trying to help you improve this piece! I thoroughly enjoyed the story as a whole, with a few changes I'd definitely up the rating. Poor Isabelle!

Lorraine

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Listen, smile, agree, and then do whatever you were going to do anyway! Robert Downey Jr.


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